When I don't have to rush

Instead of drunkards' cursing, singing and yelling,

I hear school kids chatting, laughing and running for bus.

~~~~~

Instead of searching kitchen for midnight supper, I make a hearty breakfast.

Favourite half-boiled eggs, hot chocolate and Matt-style sandwiches.

~~~~~

Instead of going to bed at dawn,

I see med school 's watchman switching on lights right opposite.

~~~~~

Instead of staring into complete darkness outside the window,

I see sun slowly rising. ^_^

Woke up surprisingly early this morning at 5am. Got out from bed, did abit of revision and PBL work, showered at 8.30 and leave for lecture at 8.50am. Day feels good and PBL went unexpectedly well. In this last PBL session of the year, for the first time I find I like everyone in the group. Sporty Suzzie, late-comer Chris, humourous Charlie, steady Penny, quiet Meera, shy Andrew, squeaky Carol, aggresive David, and kind Sarah... Although I ain't close to them still after one whole sem of pbl-ing, I did actually enjoy being with them. =)

Leave me alone

Can people stop messaging me nonsense like these:

'do you know where your flatmate is? I can't get them...' but;

'can I go over later to get stuff from your flatmatE?' and;

'can you stay in and open door for me when I go over?'

C'mon! Can you PLEASE ask my flatmate directly? I'm NOT their personal assistant or what, if you can't get them, don't bother borrowing stuffs then! I come online on msn not to deal with their daily schedules and to tell you when are they going to be in, God knows... and if I don't reply you, Stop nudging me! You wouldn't want to see me start scolding people.

Sorry. Please bear with me. I know these are small matters, it's just me being grumpy. Pardon people who try to get their sleep cycle right yet things don't seems to work whilst exam is getting nearer.

On a better note, I feel particularly inferior today after clinics. Seems like many people out there are bravely fighting against major life-threatening problems, simply to live on. Whereas me still grieving over the minor past and not picking myself up. Of a sudden, I feel I should at least, be grateful with things I have now.

Just to mention, in clinics today:

- I interviewed a 52-yrs-old man who apparently can swim 150 laps a week. Woah!

- For the first time, we practise blood taking on each other. My partner poke me, happily wiggling the needle beneath my skin; still, no blood came out. Boo! & Ouch! :-(

Proudly present to you

You might think something is different in this page today. =P

YES, you are right!~

TADA! Hehe. As you can see, this blog has obviously undergone some changes and this is what yours truly have been spending one whole day on, Cis! Should be studying neurology and gastroenterology instead. But never mind, what's done is done, can't turn back the time.

Come, let me introduce you these 'great' efforts of mine. =) New features include:

1) "I am..." :

Updates of my current status. Mainly of thoughts that most occupy my mind recently.

2) Musics:

Finally! It's soo difficult to post up chinese songs. Although only limited choices available at the moment due to slight technical problems, still hope you enjoy them. There are my favourites! =)

3) Favorit:

Latest pics of me!!

~ Favorit is a cafe selling yummy Ben&Jerry waffles downstairs of which I enjoy spending my spare times at.

~ Purpose of having this section is actually to enable my stupid sister to recognise my 'continuously-growing-rounder' face the next time she sees me in airport.

So, hope you enjoy yourself here reading my daily complaints. Blogger's new template seems quite fun to play with. Can't believe I'd spent whole day doing these.

p/s: It's 3.51 am now. I'm not sleeping today. Hopefully it helps restore my sleep-wake cycle to normal again. Don't want to wake up at 3pm and have breakfast at 5pm anymore like today.

Alamak!

GOSH!!!!

Phone bill this month makes me jump man!

Aikz. Ever since Sept, by reasons of great tempt from cashback deals and fun of collecting, had got myself 3 phones (with 1000 free minutes per month to call home). Simply to make my life easier without the hassles of carrying 3 phones around, smartly, I make use of calls diverting function so that calls to any of my 3 numbers will automatically be diverted to just one phone.

Naively, all these while I thought calls diverting is free of charge as it only makes the caller calls another number automatically. Apparently I am so wrong! All diverted calls are charged on my bills!!!

Haiz, at the end of the day, I manage to figure out how it works. The concept goes like this: I have 3 lines, A, B & C. All calls to A & B are diverted to C. If someone calls A, instead of making the person calls C automatically, it simply makes my phone A calls C automatically. And of course, calling from A to C is charged on my own bills. GeRaM...!!!

p/s: oh yeah, apart from that, HAPPY BIRTHDAY YINGJIE!

don't know if ur internet connection allows you to read this =P ; but still, May many happy returns, stay young stay cheerful, all the best to you blah blah blah... and the fact is, we are all OLD now.=)

I am doing fine

Jenn was right. Healing always slowed by avoidance and sped up by acceptance. I am accepting...

A few hours ago, I was mourning, upsetting, even crying. The post before this explains everything.

But,

That shouldn't be the way I live my life

If I were to posses the determination to have loved you this long, I'm sure the same determination can take me through in giving you up and wishing you (with her) all the best with all I can. Also, live my life well without your presence.

Went gym today. Surprising huh! Can't believe I actually jog non stop on treadmill for an hour. Now I know I can whenever I am determined...

~ This will be the last time I shed tears for you. ~

~This is a decision I myself made this March.~

~This is what we hope for when waving each other goodbye -

a better future with the presence of a more suitable person. ~

~Although the hand you are holding now isn't mine anymore,

with no regreats I'm glad we once held each other's. ~

The cold doesn't go away...

Feels unusually cold today.

Drank a cup of hot cereal, ate my favourite half-boiled eggs

despite with scarfs and layers of clothes, even with socks on feet, I'm still freezing.

The cold doesn't go away, my body isn't warming up.

Glutamate controls memory, Serotonin controls mood and behaviour, CRH affects gastrointestinal tract normalities, 7th cranial nerves stimulates tear glands....what am I talking. I wish I've glutamate deficiency to forget, serotonin overdose to cheer up, 7th cranial nerves palsy to not shed tears, CRH antagonist to restore appetite.....

Are you telling a truth? Please say no....

Awaiting the beautiful, expensive, and cold

Hehe, unlike normal clinical practice Tuesdays of which I either come home dismayed or depressed, today I am happy.

Bet she never know how her abnormally encouraging attitudes today has made all 5 of us in the group happy like small kids treated with sweets. =)

Oddly, today my Evil GP is not sarcastic, discouraging nor unpredictable. She smiles pretty normal. It's not that she's like a stone never smile, just often doesn't smile at the right time nor with the right tone. Trust me, most of the time, I rather she shouts at me than 'smiles'. At least I will know what I've done wrongly with my patient's checkup.

I supposed she has good intentions always. We found out today she has no kids albeit married. Maybe she is just not good at dealing with kids and saying encouraging lines like:

'it's ok, don't worry', 'come, try it again', 'you are doing well enough',

like how daddy mummy used to tell us at age of 5 or 6. Shouldn't hate her so much afterall.

On an even happier note, hehe, I'm going to Oslo! A city Swiss bank awarded with the honor of being the most expensive city in the world and having the most expensive food in Europe.

Wonder how I will be freezing in a land with an average temperature of -6.8°C... so crazy lar!~

I just hate....

Today, everything is just wrong. I hate many feelings that arise, and I hate myself because of them.

I hate sleeping late and waking up at the wrong time. And my whole day plan just gone.

I hate stoning in front of computer wasting hours doing nothing.

I hate staring at one note for many hours and still not getting them into my head.

I hate procrastinating and having an unvacumned room for days and sights of numerous unknown dust on the carpet.

I hate opening the fridge to find nothing appetising nor edible.

I hate going into a kitchen with no plate or bowl available for a meal.

I hate feeling cold in the room alone and the house being empty.

I hate seeing many phones sitting on table yet no one to call.

I hate coming home with shopping bags and have only walls to share my joys and excitements.

I hate when halfway bathing, coldwater start running down my head.

I hate myself of waiting for your message.

I hate people of not believing when I am telling truths, or simply answer with a 'Orh, IS IT?', or 'SO what?'.

I hate people who actually say 'yes, yes, yes...' in front and do things totally opposite right after. Hypocrite.

I hate people who can't differentiate a joke from normal conversations and even worse, expecting my serious explanations afterthat.

I hate people who always think they are right and why must they believe in others.

I hate people with no gut to own up their own acts.

I hate looking at tonnes of notes instead of knowing what they say, comtemplating of where my motivation has gone to....

What has happened to me? I don't know. Could it be simple pms-ing or I am losing my head?

I start missing home. I want mummy, daddy and my sisters. I don't want to live here alone.

17/11 - 13/12

It's exams preparation season again. Times where everyone starts to get busy at home stressing out with notes and distances from others. I hate this feeling. Hope to have someone to talk to yet no one is here to listen.

Emotionally dependent on a person is always not secure. Especially when I don't know if I am being overdependent or what. Having an activity partner is always fun, yet no when starts feeling uncertain of if there is anything going on beyond that point. I hope not.

Exam is near but where is my motivations to study? Guess I have lost them all long ago. But, I do hope it comes back when I need it. Less than 1 month to master 60 lectures. That is like 3 lectures a day. And one lecture covers like what, 40 pages in a normal book. Bet even scanning machine can't do as fast.

Are these because of you?

Feeling lost, confused, puzzled and guilt-ridden.

Stubbornly, I refuse to admit anything, not even to myself. All I've been doing is telling myself that I hope I don't, because I know I shouldn't. People behaves funnily. Doing things which they clearly know is wrong yet helplessly falling into the trap.

Occupied

Time seems to carry no meaning when there are many things to do everyday. In a hectic schedule, sleep without the need to set alarm clock for the next day is simply rewarding.

Despite busy, days are however fulfilling. I start to
- play golf. I somehow find the beginning posture looks like a standing method to sh*t.

- iron clothes for a family on a fortnight basis. Can't believe this can be my money earning method. Luckily I didn't burn anything yet since I'd never even iron my own clothes before.

- be organised by actually plan a to-do list everyday and tick them off one by one.

- study musical symbols. Matthew (my flatmate) is keen to get me on both piano and violin.

- try out drinks in bar. Clubs or pubs here are just like our cafe back home, nothing more than a socialising ground or places for society meetings.

- take blood from patient.

We were taught to be 'caring' (haiz, just long winded la) here. They are keen to ask the patient 'Are you happy with me doing this or that on you?', 'Is it alright if I poke the needle in now?, ' Is this position comfortable for your arm or you would like to change it?' ... yada yada yada. Whereas back home, a nurse just take a needle poke in your vein and sometimes not even apologize when blood is spilt all over the bed. Most of the time, I am more nervous than patients.

I somehow feel that I have got many things in mind I want to do , but if I don't try them now, I probably wouldn't have the chance in the future. All life will eventually come to an end one day, I can live young only once. So why not today. And if I have the chance to try, why not my best. Who knows if this is the only chance.

Hopefully I don't end up blindly seeking temporal pleasure and entertainment and feel empty at the end of the day. Satisfaction in life and sense of achievement should come from deep down inside bottom of the heart.

Sneaker

Today is gladdening. Nothing out-of-routine happened. A pair of sneaker simply makes me feel good.

Am glad that I finally got something I'd always wanted. Another pair of green shoes. =D Can't believe I'm so into green these days after green duvet cover & pillowcase.

Am glad that I can stop worrying about falling down on slippery streets. For all you know, Edinburgh rains often and I'm clumsy.

Am glad I can stop thinking of getting my heel's soles stucked in between bricks and where to get worn out heel's soles rubber replaced. Many roads here, instead of cements, are laid with bricks.

Am glad that my jeans bottom can stop rubbing against the ground. Mummy isn't here to sew it for me and by paying 10pounds for the shop to do so, I would rather take 70 ringgit to buy a new one back home.

Am glad that every morning I can stay longer in bed since running to lectures no longer a problem

Can't recall when was the last time I wear a sneaker after high school days but all I know is I feel like walking everywhere now!

Weekend comes finally, but don't think I'll have much time to rest.

Dice night

This evening, a friend corrected my mistake for saying mooncake festival instead of Mid-autumn festival. To my astonishment, I never thought I can actually forget a word that has been with me for more than 20 years. I guess that's common among people who has been living faraway from home and own culture. =)

The celebration here was bigger than I thought. 3 main Asians societies combined and held a big event, but weirdly, in a church. It was an enjoyable night though, with an interesting dice game I seen only once in Pirates of Carribean. Their punishment for loser was a highlight. It's something that got me absolutely amazed. It was a liquid that smelled like kerosin in a green bottle with printed mandarin characters indicating 55% of alcohol. Goodness, that's worse than Whiskey's 40%.

Tempted to play, I started. Unfortunately, luck wasn't on my side. Counting odds and probabilities isn't my field too. Not only did I lose badly, also got forced to swallow that awful drink for many rounds. Bleeuek!~ Luckily, my very kind si-fu, Vince drank them all for me. Hehe. Towards the end, we weren't losing anymore but poor him, I guess he was too drunk to go home.

Think my flat too will soon have some dice to play with since Pei's addicted and is quite inspired to buy them. Hehe, it's really a great fun!

Many feelings are buried deep down inside most of the time. Sometimes for too long till their existence have been forgotten. Not until one day, when certain familiar settings come in and make it resurface again, only did one realise how long it had been left untouched.

BeautifuL

I AM SOOOOO HAPPY !!!

10 minutes ago, I placed an order on Samsung E900, Finally! Hopefully it gets dispatched in less than 3 hours so I can get it in 2 days time. Can't believe I'm going to hold it in hand soon! Hehe. Wonder how does a touch-sensitive keypad feels like. :p

It feels good and right after such a long wait. It's like recovering a piece of long lost precious of which I thought I'll never see again. Although it isn't exactly what I want, but am already satisfied. Life isn't always a smooth sailing I guess, yet definitely worth waiting . I shall feel contented and not to demand anymore.

Hopefully it is a good start again for our friendship. Thanks for your forgiveness and acceptance once again. You just don't know how much the few words you said this morning have brightened up my day. It does seems like lots of things are fated. Maybe I shall have faith in fate once again.

Happy Birthday Dearie!

Finally, my blur Piyo Queen turns 21. :p

How does becoming an adult feel like? Tell me soon k.

Oh yeah, I almost forgot, someone is going to graduate soon next year. Hehe, I shall now start to think up what to eat for the big treat you gonna give after getting your first pay! Can't believe you eventually chose to be an accountant and me, a doctor. I still remember when we were like 13 or 14 yrs old, I always wanted to be a business woman and you, were so inspired becoming a gynae. Time really flies eH!~

Everything was once new and exciting, and I bet there still are, but not the same anymore as how we would had perceived last time. So many things happened over years and together we went through uncountable ups and downs. Thaanks a lot for being there all the while. There are certain things we just understood over time, and there are also things we learnt through the hard way. And you know what, I actually admire you a lot for your confidence, rational mind, cuteness, enthusiasm, kindness and thoughtfulness.

Dearie ar, you have been living 21 years of beautiful life and there are a lot more ahead awaiting ya. And I would like to give you my best wishes in your future undertakings. Miss & love ya SooOoOo muCh.

And again, Happy BirThday GaL !