Wednesday, September 01, 2010

Breakaway Weekend

this 'making photo on blog post so much bigger' trick is so fun! .
ever since i got my new baby, nikon d5000, i've become much more devoted in taking photos wherever i go! but i was abit depressed with blogspot not being able to make the photos i upload bigger, and earlier on, even thought of moving across to wordpress.

this making photo bigger thing must be a very common trick, and im only this late to discover it. =(

so fine, problem sorted now.

im now quite motivated to blog with the pictures i manage to take over the summer. but before that, im going to catch some sleep. it's already 6am now n im still playing with blogspot like a newbie noob. afterall a week of days off is pretty chilled out n the whole concept of waking up without having to use alarmclock and sleep whenever i want is definitely very satisfying.

goodnight for now. rmb to watch out this space! =)

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

the beginning of the rat race

for once, I can't seems to picture the life beyond med school. yes, i'm rather anxious inside. for the recent weeks, i'm finding the future is holding too many uncertainties to the point that it appears bleak.

since mtas application took off in October, the rat race has officially begun.

not long ago, I was in this little room at the busiest bustling backpacker areas in Saigon working on the five mtas questions. I could still remember the sense of relief when I clicked on the submit button for the application to go through and that was also the decision made for two years down the road.

and before I realised, i was already back in Edinburgh later, being all busy with General Med day in day out. time just zoom pass much much faster when you are really busy and especially in winter too since days are much shorter anyway.

then again, before I realised, mtas score was out. everyone started to discuss about what programme to apply, what job they want and what they want to be in the future.

i feel like a kid standing in front of a candy shop having the amount of money just enough to afford a sweet. and there are too many colourful choices in front of eyes. but I can't decide.

it's not just about making a decision, but for each choice picked, there's always a whole set of matters that follows. I don't like the idea of not knowing how my life would be like in the future and how would things go and even more so, where i would end up in. sometimes, not only i feel i have no control of my own life, i don't feel belonged too.

for all my life, i think i have taken things for granted especially from my parents. there must be so many life choices they have made to be who they are today and to be able to provide me with everything i need. the idea of i'm going to be living on my own salary soon and to be called a working adult on my own feet with responsibilities for taxes and financial commitments can be quite daunting at the same time exciting.

at this point, i don't think i'm being intimidated by the competition which seems inevitable in the rat race. by saying that, i don't mean either i have a great cv to offer. am way far from that.

the thing is, i'm far more afraid of not knowing which competition i want to play in.

Tuesday, October 06, 2009


“我不愿去相信 我们之间隔着海洋的距离 我的爱已融化在空气里” ~ Love Story

“放我一个人生活 请你双手不要再紧握 一个人我至少干净利落 沦落就沦落 爱闯祸就闯祸” ~ 放生

“我相信离开终究会有始有终 有一天我将能为你描写彩虹” ~ 情书









Sunday, September 27, 2009

Hello Saigon!

The 4 weeks elective in Lion city had ended so quickly. went back to muar on Friday, played with the two lil girls and spent some time seeing parents on Sat, and now before I realise, i'm here in Ho Chi Minh already.

Thankfully suz is here with me. this girl read the departure time wrongly and I almost had to come here by myself! >.<
Although today has been tiring, but I'm totally excited about it!
must be the feeling of adventurous and exploring a city totally on our own that makes me so excited.

at the moment, i'm still in a holiday mood and has definitely not quite convinced that this city is going to be home for the coming month. i guess that's the reason why i'm still kind of excited about it at the moment happily being a tourist. wonder what would i feel about this place a mth later as so many things would have change by then for sure. even mtas will be completed here too and the thing is, the real deal starts TMR!

Tomorrow we are also going to check out the Cho Ray Hospital early in the morning. so i'm going to have an early night.

goodnight world.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009


Hey, I'm on elective! it sounds happpening eh! teehee. My elective is in one of the few city countries in the world, Singapore!

I don't know why i'm so excited since this is not the first time I'm here in sg, it's already like a second home to me after all these years and i attribute these happiness to the very very nice family i'm living with atm. Whats more to ask for when every evening you can come home to an uber warm house with the company of the lovely childhood cousins and the aunt who will prepare one full table of dishes awaiting us.

I must say I really enjoy the homely feels, when you can always hear familiar voices chatting away in the background and you know you are never alone. After all these years of living alone, I guess I'm pretty afraid of the deadly silence in the background. it's like when you are not talking, all you hear is only your own breathing and some noises from the streets that has absolutely nothing to do with you.

For the first 2 weeks in the SGH, I was absolutely excited and looking forward to the wards and patients every morning. It is certainly fun to do medicine in your own languages. Motivation needed to wake up at 6.30 every morning and left at 7am, in order to be at the ward at 8am was certainly high quality and level. Never did I do that straight for 2 weeks in the Burgh. urghh! but i'm not complaining, instead I absolutely loved it! would there be a chance that I can come here at work at some point in life? hmm. future will unfold by itself as we go on. we'll see.

So, this is the 3rd week into the elective already. I can't believe it, this is Sooooo quick! can't blif there's only 5 weeks left before I'll be back in Edinburgh again, and this time, for the real deal, FINALS!! ok, better not think about that first.

Let's see, so one week left. Me cousin and I just decided that we haven't do most of the things we wanted to do as per our original plan. As you can see we were pretty much enjoying each other's companies at home everyday after work mainly eating, laughing and bantering. seriously, if you're with the right company, even a shit hole can be a lovely garden. thanks dearie for everything and ur super mum too!

hehehe, so from now on, there's going to be lots of last minute activities in sg as next Sunday, it will be the Ho Chi Minh City already, a city where everyone gives me the advice that I should close my eyes to cross the roads, otherwise you will never be able to reach the other side. oh well, adventurous la.

we went shopping today. ha! i think this shopping thing is really mood dependent. if you're in the right mood, somehow you will see lots of good stuffs in front of ur eyes. so, yeah, productive indeed. bought a pair of heels which i can't stop staring at. it has been awhile, mmm... 2 years perhaps? since I last saw a pair of shoes I really really love.

and it's been a while too, since i last felt so good with my life!

Thursday, June 11, 2009


After a year of goodbye last bid over web cam, I finally see him again.

Instead of a well planned meet up, it came up as an impromptu. just 3 days after my return. It caught me all of a sudden and I was, honestly stunned. nailed on the spot, not knowing what to do next. Seldom did I feel completely lost in reacting to situations, and that was indeed one! I was just out to supper with sis and a bunch of her friends who come visiting, then randomly, among the many strangers in the food center, two pair of wandering eyes met and it took me a while to realise that it was him. yes, it was no one else, but him. quickly, i shifted my attention to somewhere else, pretending previously I was not focusing my sight on anyone, but merely scanning through the people, hence saving me efforts to say hi in an awkward situation. There were a big bunch of friends around him, i wasn't able to pay much attention to them. But according to sis, there was a girl next to him. However, surprisingly, the gf bit i was completely ok, nothing emotional, there was no sense of jealousy, no sense of guilt, no sense of sorrow, nothing of that sort like people used to describe when they bump into their ex with a new partner. The emotional bits that got stirred up was purely because of his presence.

It's time like this, i simply hoped that Michael could be with me, if he was there, he must have been able to calm me down, tell me what to do next, at the same time hold my sweaty palms tight. It's time like this, i don't know how to describe my feelings nor express myself. If i were to put them down in words, only 'shocked & lost' could fit in.

Throughout the supper, i didn't enjoy much. merely to hear his voice sounding clearly and vividly in my ears. He was loud and lively as usual. He probably noticed me too, cause sis's friends said people from his table keep looking at us and they were even wondering if i should turn around and see if there were someone i knew. But i was smart enough to choose a seat back facing him.

It's never an easy journey, isn't it? After 3 or 4 years of struggle, finally we decided to admit defeat to the circumstance, to let go, to bid farewell and managed to live out of each others shadows. It's good to see that each of us are moving on with our lives, having a space above us that we can breathe freely. no more sneaking out, no more cheating on parents, no more long distance, no more arguments over who should change, and no more cracking our brains so hard on finding a solution for us. I'm pretty sure that everything we are having now, are something that suits us well, something that we can happily enjoy without having to put in extra extra efforts just to make it work, and it's not as if the more efforts we put in, the more pleasant the outcome will be, most of the times they are likely to just meet a dead end or end up nowhere, which often rendered us disappointed and hopeless. As for now, it is a happy ending that I will smile on. Yet, i can't help but to feel the heart string got slightly pulled, when I realize what we used to share are officially a past, we have moved on. By saying this, i'm not trying to say that i wish they are not a past at this point, i'm happy with things now, it's just a feeling of reminiscences that you get when you look at one big chapter of your past right in front of your eyes, and realizing that they are already history.

On the way driving home, I seems to understand better something Adelynn used to say, 'a home is where your heart belongs'.

He, used to be someone i cared for so much, someone that i paid so much efforts in, but it all seems like a distant past now, nothing else but a piece of memories etched in my heart. Memory is only beautiful because it is memory, people can somehow imagine whatever they want or carve it whatever way they please, and that's the best part of memory.

As i left that place and came back to my own family, my friends, my beloved man, it seems like I can no longer find a space in my life for this guy to fit in anymore.

anyhow, i'm still wishing the best for him. He, shall be a part of my memory that i can never erase. whereas to the beloved man, i wish that it's your hand that i'm going to hold on to till the very end.

Tuesday, June 09, 2009

Home finally!

It's definitely rewarding that after a long year of busy work and studies, there's still a place called home where i can come back to and feel belonged.

Looking at the two lil girls, they are now smarter, talk better and getting more and more considerate towards us, the adults.

Monday, June 01, 2009

Viva la Vida

Exam was over 2 days ago. and just a few hours after the last paper, I felt a sense of lost, a feeling of aimlessness not knowing what to do next. I guess it must be a big change, from the past few weeks, when everyday was planned ahead on things that I should be studying and learning to now, when every minute seems to be a little bit empty, it must be a transitional period for things to slow down back to its original pace again.

Although sometimes I might have ranted a lil bit more on my blog and complained to others about my life my studies my boredom my relationship, however, I would still say that I am very grateful with what I've been given, at this point of life. These two days when I actually have a chance to sit down to listen to my heart again, to have a look at everything around me, to tidy up my room and discovering a few lil gems lying around the corners, they just seems very beautiful. The people, the flat, the city, the love, the life... that sometimes bcoz of my temper my tantrum my mood swing, I failed to notice their true charm.

Summer is here finally, after such a long wait. a season of sun, sandals, meadows, picnics, and freshness in the air. i'm heading home in a week's time. i can't wait to see how big that two little babies have grown up to, can't wait to meet my parents again, can't wait to enjoy another side of myself, but at the same time a lil bit heavy hearted to leave my Roundy behind. Like i said, i'm still very grateful with my life. knowing that 4th year has officially ended, an important chapter in life has come to an end, whilst another side of life is going to begin, back in my home sweet home. isn't life just beautiful? peepz, enjoy ur summer! they say it's going to be the driest and hottest. oh well, thats what i seems to be hearing every year. but anyway, i'm so going to enjoy mine... n hopefully u too!

Wednesday, May 06, 2009


I met an old lady in the ward today. When we first started our chat, I told her I was asked to see her to have a quick history taking from her. She was very cooperative and welcoming to both Matt and I. She introduced herself as Retta for Margaret then said, 'It's alright, no worries, i'll try to help as much as I can since i won't be in here for long.'

As fast as Matt and I responded, we agreed with what she said and told her we felt happy for her that she could go home soon. and no, that came as an embarassing moment, as she went, 'i meant literally, i won't be in here for long, i only have a few more weeks left'.

That was a big shock to both of us, as we totally didn't expect we were going to talk to someone who's terminally ill and was receiving palliative care. and no, we weren't in the palliative ward, it was just a haematology ward, oh well, some of the patients could still be quite seriously ill.

Somehow when I know that i'm talking to someone who's going to leave this world in a few weeks time, I just don't know how to handle it. Things like 'how does she feel at this moment', 'what would everything be like seeing through her eyes when she knows she only have a few more weeks to go', 'how would death feel like to her', 'how should i handle this conversation'...etc etc, just keep flashing through my mind.

As she sat right in front of me, i can imagine she must have looked quite beautiful at her younger age. For someone her age, she definitely have a pair of big shining eyes not veyr common in her age group and a nice face shape with very refined features.

As we chatted on, she told us she used to be a musical performer together with her husband and both of them had been performing in many parts of the world. With the beaming smile on her face, she then went on telling us how they travelled around together, then decided to settle down for a family, had her son and daughter, then grandchildren, lived together till he died two years ago with kidney problem, and now she felt it's alright for her to go also. Throughout our conversation, unlike what i would have expected, there wasn't a single drop of tear in her eyes. Occasionally, there were some jokes sprinkled in about her younger days and we were laughing together. All i saw was just beautiful beautiful smile and clear laughters that showed how proud she was with her life. and certainly, no regrets.

I was quite overwhelmed. It's not as if she got diagnosed of her leukemia ages ago, it was just 2 months ago that she was told. and look how well she is coping with this, death just seems like another matter she is going to handle.

The most fasicinating part to me was that, like how much would it take for one to actually have that sense of achievement in them to say, I feel i have done all i want to and i don't feel regret leaving this place. Suddenly I felt inspired by this old lady. 40 or 50 years down the road, I want to look back and be able to say the same thing like her too.

When asked about if she feels worried with what is going to come and how does she feel at this point. Guess what she told me,

'I have faith with me darling, that's all i need'.

For one to face death in such a peaceful and calm way, it certainly takes a lot of courage.

Our conversation didn't last too long as there was a tutorial to attend. As we were leaving and saying thank you for her help, i tend to take a few more looks at her. It certainly feels strange when you know this is going to be the last time you see someone and soon they are not going to be in this world anymore. She was very kind and said in a cute way,

'i hope next time you see someone with the same disease, you will be reminded by Retta's case. Wish u guys all the best and HAPPY DOCTORING.'

hahaah, first time I heard a wishing line like that, but that was still very cute. When we left the room, i saw her picked up her story book and continued reading with some smile still lingering on her face. Can't believe someone who's dying can still be so positive, there really isn't much reasons for us, the young and fit, to frown.

Sunday, April 26, 2009

Daily life

Baby forgot to sign off, so I'll sneak something describing precisely her daily life into here!

Better run before she finds out...


Saturday, April 25, 2009

of the med sch ups and downs

Phew!! 2 weeks of Dunfermline is finally over. no more mornings of being fed with lily allen and all her 'f*** you, f*** you very very much' or Blink 182 'F*** your dog, F*** your mum's ass' type of music in the car while heading across the bridge to the queen margaret. the boys in the car love those music and it's strange to me like how they enjoy listening to musics like these every morning before hospital sessions. i still can't appreciate their taste.

so now there's one more module in the bag to add on to revision, oh wait, it's not Re-vision, since i've not read them even for the first time yet, well, learning would be a better description. yah, one more module to add on to learnings. I've no idea why i'm feeling so behind of this whole learning progress. unlike o&g when things were pretty motivated, this renal module just isn't great at all and i'm attributing this lack of passion to reasons like we didn't get much love from the people there, the complicated clinical sciences behind every case and worst still, we only saw our consultant once and that was on the LAST day of the module. oh well. oh well.

portfolio is another setback. 2 issues. one with o&g another one with renal. renal portfolio is still 0% done despite the module has ended. maybe because i somehow know the deadline is not too soon yet, hence not much of motivation to get it done. but NVM. i'm definitely going to get it kick off this weekend!

o&g portfolio was a sad story. we went in for feedback session yesterday. kirsty our consultant didn't meet us in person but sent in her registrar instead. things went ok at the beginning, the reg mentioned like how she thought i was getting more and more motivated towards the end of the module and how much i shone in the group bla bla blah... as she went on there's this unsettled feelings inside that i felt something just isn't quite right and i wasn't quite comfortable with what she said. i had a feeling something bad is going to come! n i was RIGHT! until she mentioned the portfolio feedback. she said it was marked by kirsty and she thought that the results will let me down and she thought it's not soemthing i deserved. it's low. very low. almost on the failing end. it's the worst mark i have ever gotten for pf and tbh, at that point, i almost cried. simply because i thought i put in quite alot of efforts to do it and maybe partly because of the long day yesterday. from every single little mistake like spelling errors to grammar mistake to reference issues, she talked me through them. I gotta admit these o&g doctors are so damn good in comforting people and especially handling women. i managed to suck my tears back and signed the sheet off to agree with what she said. soon after the session ended, i jet off on a bus heading towards starbucks for florencia's mandarin lesson. that was one of the worst moment. moody, upset, i could almost felt some water blurring my vision. but since i didn't want to meet florencia in my teary eyes, i ended up swallowing them all down eventually. got quite emo at that point. i think its also bcoz like how i think o&g is quite my type of thing, like how it's always so busy, lots of 'on the go', communication needs, joys from the new mums. given the thinking that this subject might be for me long term wise, hence I did work pretty hardcore, felt the most motivated and put in quite a lot of efforts trying to understand every single details that i wasn't sure. yesterday came truly as a big let down. last night, i didn't have the head to think straight, came back, plonked myself into bed and slept straightaway till this morning skipping through dinner. certainly felt a lil bit hurt and upset and emo in my duvet.

med school is certainly one place where lots of motivation and passions are needed to keep people going. oh well... im glad that im not losing interest yet. quite pleased at myself this morning after woken up from bed, although still feeling some lil pinch, still, im able to smile at myself in the mirror like the usual days before setting off for hospital. i got to be a nerd. *pat on my own shoulder*

well... at this point, despite exam is 5 weeks away, i'm feeling quite drained already. it's time like this, reminders like 'this is not the finishing line yet, just hang in there abit more' are much needed. home is only 6 weeks away! hurray!

gem of the day: today over the call home, baby sis #1 told me how she wants to go out and buy food for me when i get home this summer. since today, mum brought her out and let her order food at the hawker center and for that reason this little girl feels she is like an adult already. these babies' words. never fail to put a smile on my face.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

for the next 6 months

2 days ago. My snowball was back.

and today, he tells me about when he is leaving again

Saturday, April 18, 2009

Of desserts, housemates, and foods

I'm trying out with this Picasa version 3! I don't know how outdated i'm with this new version, but i'm assuming this must be something quite new since i don't own it until just now when my comp reminded me to update it.

So, i was wondering what to snap a photo with and post it here. then as i looked around, AhuH! on my table sat this bowl of yummy chinese desserts.

White Fungus + Apple + Red Dates

Jovina just brought it in not long ago for me when I was nerding away with the renals. felt so like my mum during SPM days. =)

This also somehow reminded me those Teviot days when Pei would frequently try out her new recipes, be it cakes, kuihs, desserts, soups, snacks, dishes, all sorts, and get us to try. Those homesick days were then so well-fed.

I must be a lucky person. People I always end up living with, are those that enjoy cookinh and baking so much. Those are people who will go miles to find a good recipe, get the right ingredients, and carefully follow the recipe to make sure the end-products are near perfect. They always have these determination and motivation that I don't have.

If you were to ask me cook something and throw me a recipe, I will read through them, then use whatever i have with me, and make my own version. I'm that lazy.

Btw, since the mystery is out, I hereby announce I will be having a chic housemate next year! **clap clap clap** Hey Pretty, Welcome to our flat, we are officially housemates now!

I was called a chic in her blog! *beaming in joy** and when i read it i was so happified! haha. what's better than being called a chic by someone who you have always thought as an absolutely pretty chic right. to be honest, she always have those fashion senses that i would secretly admire and also her outing looks that i would always wanted to copy. but of course i didn't in the end, for obvious reason like my laziness. she's another hardcore one with food and bakery. go check out her food blog. i can assure you professionalism and quality.

seriously jenn, you really don't have to worry about our dinner rota next year. don't get so worried that we might not like your foods. afterall, we have been having Clem around for a year already and none of us are even complaining. hehhee. (secretly praying clem never read this). anyway, my point is, don't be worried. ur food is already considered more than good enough. and also in daily dinners, we don't demand for fine quality.

oh, btw, i never realise we have such tragic friendship stories. as tragic as it could be, sadly i got to say those descriptions and words you wrote about us were so true. indeed. looked how unhappy we used to be. but, people grow up. sometimes being strong is by choice. i hope you are only going to be happier and bubblier as time goes by. I'm looking forward to our housemateships!

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In 24 hours time

the following round item will be available for collection in the local airport.

I am totally excited!

Saturday, April 11, 2009

Bremen Breakaway

It's been a long while since i last written travel post. as much as i want to, time just got so little that there are always things to be busy with. Life has been good so far. except that weekend with food poisoning. nothing really to complain about recently! =)

The sun in Bremen is setting behind me, slowly, very slowly.

It's 8pm here but it's still as bright as the day time. through the long window, i'm looking at the busy traffic and city lights slowly being lit on before the night falls. finally spring's in the air! something good to know, and days are only going to get longer and longer of which i absolutely love. It somehow seems when a day is longer, I will have more time in hand to get things done. =)

So, I'm in Bremen! Roundy's treat to see his 3 weeks' workplace. what an impulsive decision. never did i book a flight one day before and pack and set to go the next day!

Bremen is a beautiful little town. No wonder Roundy even consider of coming here to settle down. It is difficult not to like this place, especially when the sun is abundant, people are very civilised, lots of foods and markets, and their applications of technology in daily life are just so impressive. No wonder the Germans today are still at the top notch of the engineering fields.

It is really not that big a town. Only 3 hours can bring you through all the main attractions.

First, St. Peter Cathedral

Don't get cheated by the ancient appearance. After the second world war, Bremen was basically a flat ground after being bombed by Brits since Hitler used to have a submarine base here.

So all these buildings were re-build only after the war, probably some time 70 years ago, trying to restore how they looked like before.

The locals say this Roland statue is the guardian of Bremen city. There are 25 of its kind in the whole Germany. probably trying to protect the country from being destroyed from top to bottom again.

then this one, the Town Musicians from the Grimm fairy tales for kids.
never did i hear the story before. Apparently this is VERY famous in Bremen. it's a rooster on top, then a cat, a dog and finally a donkey. Everyone touches the donkey's hooves when they go near. I did the same too, without knowing what is it for. Later went home Wiki only to understand it's supposed to make your wishes come true!

HALT! My Favourite!!! these wurst aka sausages are just roadside food. there are sooo nice that i went back so many times just to eat this plate of plain roll plus one wurst.
Easter is here. Everywhere they serve these colorful eggs. Pretty ain't they?

Oh Oh! German's foods are crazily big in portion. Like almost gigantic. you see...

Their calzoni. meant for one person portion.
if you don't think that looks very big, see this. (ignore me, my presence was to contrast the size of the calzoni)
Roundy happily growing fat here. Sheeesh!

So, that's all from Bremen's attraction. Really nothing much.

Since Roundy has lots of work to do so we kind of quickly come back to the hotel and start nerding after a quick tour around the city.

Im going to continue writing my essay. Yah, i'm this nerdy to carry my laptop here to work. stupid food poisoning got me this extension for essay that was supposed to due last week. and blame my procrastination skill also. always leave it till last minute.

anyway, it's a different way of travelling. walking at my own pace. stop and eat whenever i feel like. no more the usual have-to-run-to-see-the-next-attraction feelings. I kind of missed that though, it's something that you will do when you were young backpacking with your bunch of energetic friends. but somehow at this point i just realised i'm too old for that. give me some own sweet time off work, a good company, pretty sceneries, I am a happy girl.

so, see u babe end of this week back in Edin. it'd been almost 3 weeks already since u were away!