Impromptu

After a year of goodbye last bid over web cam, I finally see him again.

Instead of a well planned meet up, it came up as an impromptu. just 3 days after my return. It caught me all of a sudden and I was, honestly stunned. nailed on the spot, not knowing what to do next. Seldom did I feel completely lost in reacting to situations, and that was indeed one! I was just out to supper with sis and a bunch of her friends who come visiting, then randomly, among the many strangers in the food center, two pair of wandering eyes met and it took me a while to realise that it was him. yes, it was no one else, but him. quickly, i shifted my attention to somewhere else, pretending previously I was not focusing my sight on anyone, but merely scanning through the people, hence saving me efforts to say hi in an awkward situation. There were a big bunch of friends around him, i wasn't able to pay much attention to them. But according to sis, there was a girl next to him. However, surprisingly, the gf bit i was completely ok, nothing emotional, there was no sense of jealousy, no sense of guilt, no sense of sorrow, nothing of that sort like people used to describe when they bump into their ex with a new partner. The emotional bits that got stirred up was purely because of his presence.

It's time like this, i simply hoped that Michael could be with me, if he was there, he must have been able to calm me down, tell me what to do next, at the same time hold my sweaty palms tight. It's time like this, i don't know how to describe my feelings nor express myself. If i were to put them down in words, only 'shocked & lost' could fit in.

Throughout the supper, i didn't enjoy much. merely to hear his voice sounding clearly and vividly in my ears. He was loud and lively as usual. He probably noticed me too, cause sis's friends said people from his table keep looking at us and they were even wondering if i should turn around and see if there were someone i knew. But i was smart enough to choose a seat back facing him.

It's never an easy journey, isn't it? After 3 or 4 years of struggle, finally we decided to admit defeat to the circumstance, to let go, to bid farewell and managed to live out of each others shadows. It's good to see that each of us are moving on with our lives, having a space above us that we can breathe freely. no more sneaking out, no more cheating on parents, no more long distance, no more arguments over who should change, and no more cracking our brains so hard on finding a solution for us. I'm pretty sure that everything we are having now, are something that suits us well, something that we can happily enjoy without having to put in extra extra efforts just to make it work, and it's not as if the more efforts we put in, the more pleasant the outcome will be, most of the times they are likely to just meet a dead end or end up nowhere, which often rendered us disappointed and hopeless. As for now, it is a happy ending that I will smile on. Yet, i can't help but to feel the heart string got slightly pulled, when I realize what we used to share are officially a past, we have moved on. By saying this, i'm not trying to say that i wish they are not a past at this point, i'm happy with things now, it's just a feeling of reminiscences that you get when you look at one big chapter of your past right in front of your eyes, and realizing that they are already history.

On the way driving home, I seems to understand better something Adelynn used to say, 'a home is where your heart belongs'.

He, used to be someone i cared for so much, someone that i paid so much efforts in, but it all seems like a distant past now, nothing else but a piece of memories etched in my heart. Memory is only beautiful because it is memory, people can somehow imagine whatever they want or carve it whatever way they please, and that's the best part of memory.

As i left that place and came back to my own family, my friends, my beloved man, it seems like I can no longer find a space in my life for this guy to fit in anymore.

anyhow, i'm still wishing the best for him. He, shall be a part of my memory that i can never erase. whereas to the beloved man, i wish that it's your hand that i'm going to hold on to till the very end.