I need a space to breathe.

Ahh.... I'm home finally! after such a long day. 9am -7pm in the hospital, what a record in respi rotation huh?

and I hate this feeling to bits, coming home being overwhelmed by this feeling of extreme uselessness and stupidity.

not fun, not fun at all.

Was on Simpson, my respi tutor on-call shift for the evening seeing patients coming in fresh and being examined then admitted into ward afterwards. it's when you get to spend time alone with your consultant and his registrar, and for me it's always disheartening...

I think it's just me, everytime when they talked among themselves, i mean the registrar and the consultant, I usually don't quite get their conversation, I must have got serious learning difficulty and speech understanding problems. tonight, antonia was with me. apparently, those two doctors were joking alot among themselves and antonia was laughing along happily. but, i dun understand them at all! i tried, seriously i tried, but i still couldnt understand. yet, i laughed, pretended to laugh along, as you know consultant and registrar always like to turn back and look at medical students behind them each time after their jokes expecting to see our reactions.

what else can i do other than pretending to lauugh along.

i know i'm all lame and fake.

its like nothing else i can do, i couldnt possibly ask antonia everytime what was it about after each joke right?

and when all these were over in 3 hours, i was so relieved, that I can finally pull myself out from this awkward situation, feeling like a stupid dumbass, putting on a fake smile all along not udnerstanding anything from ppl's conversation.

depressing, certainly.

and now, i'm finding a way out to cheer myself up again, like mayb eating out? dun wan to see myself in this way lar, being all helpless. why is my english so badddddddddd!

ahhhhh. emo emo emo. for being such a weirdo and dummy.

p/s: today, a junior and I were talking. he asked me how I celebrated valentine yest. i replied, 'how to celebrate when bf's not here la.' he then went on, 'HA HA HA, dun bluff me la, u where got bf one??' -while laughing his head off- me: -_-

and of all person, these were coming from someone who actually sent himself a V-card on V-day. well, you must be curious how could i possibly know this. the fact was that, when he was buying and writing the card addressed to himself, someone from my year spotted it and spreaded to the world. This had become one of our best valentine's day joke for almost a year already.

I'm not trying to be sarcastic. but junior, it's always good to be low-profile in this city, if you haven't realised.