Goodbye

Last week this day, late at midnight, my phone rang and it was a call from home. I don't know if it is just me, but I always find it a scary feeling, when you are far away from home, and your home rings you at odd hours. and I always pray very hard before i pick up each call hoping that it is not going to be some bad news i am going to receive.

So, I picked up the call and over the phone, it was sis's voice in a calm tone that spoke, "jie, ah ma passed away already."

immediately, my heart sank. It took me a long deep breath before i dare to query any further.

This is the granny that could easily satisfied as long as she knew we cared for her. Over a packet of Walker's shortbread or a box of chocolate, and she could smiled happily.

This is the granny that used to wake up very early in the morning like 6am, just to accompany her 10 year old granddaughter to wait for the school bus at the front gate, when her dad couldn't fetch her to school due to long distanced post.

This is the granny that would stuff us money, be it 50ringgit or 100ringgit, everytime she knew we were going to trips with friends. and no matter how hard we tried to push the money back to her, saying we were alright, save it for urself, she would still insist until we had no choice but to keep it. That's the way she showed her grandchldren her love, when she couldn't do anything else in her paralysed body.

This is the granny that would smiled and said 'this looked good on you', whenever we pulled on our new bought clothes and went up to her and asked what she think about it. Never once did she said anything negative. and we would then beamed away happily.

This is the granny that would asked me each time i was about to leave home for airport in my luggages that, when she would see me again and when would i be coming home, from the chair in the living room where she spent most of her time in. and for each time, i was able to give her an exact duration, like, 3 months, very quick, i'll be back in 3 months time. or maybe six months. but, not the last summer i left home, i didn't promised her anything despite her same old questions, when i knew i might be spending christmas abroad for the first time. and that was also the last time i saw her.

This is the granny that I would called home and greet every chinese new year and she would answered with her standard words, good good, you are such a good girl. This year, i did the same too. but instead of her normal replies, she could hardly spoke a word, instead, it was some voice that didn't make much sense over the phone, just to say she heard me. That was when the doctor told our family, her heart function was left only with 30% due to chronic heart failure. and deep down, i prayed hard, very hard that, please wait until summer comes, when i can go home again to see you once more.

This is also the granny that passed away in her sleep peacefully last week, and apparently just one night before she left, dad said her pillow was soaked wet in tears and that morning, she woke up fine and didn't complained a word. And after that night, the next morning, dad found her in sleep that she would never wake up again.

It has been a week since she is gone. So when this summer comes, when I go home, there won't be her anymore sitting in the living room waiting for me and my chocolates. also i'm guessing since i'm away from home and don't usually get to see her anyway, her departure doesn't impact me that hard yet, not until i go home and start feeling her real absence.

Although admittedly, the last part of your life journey wasn't very much enjoyable and was filled with medifcations and physical illnesses, I'm praying that ahma, you would now go to a place without sufferings and stay in eternal bliss. It had been more than 10 years you had to suffer from stroke and couldn't move the right side of your body.

and you will stay in our memories always. We miss you ahma.

Miss Independent

today had been a lil bit out of routine, no hectic hospital attachments and no other commitments. and suddenly, being able to sit in my own room looking at the blue sky, putting laundry into wash and having the afternoon sun shine on my face while i am lying on my bed seems like the greatest happiness i could have. see, deprivation always make one learns to be easily satisfied.

I don't usually do personality test, not like i am a scientologist. ;)

but like i said, since everything today is lil bit out of the normal way, i randomly clicked on a personality test in facebook. and hehe, i do like the outcome esp the part about the view on success. it is to a certain extent similiar with the interest i have in one specialty but i am too coward to do anything about it since it is very well known for the competitiveness like 1 in 10 success rate and also given my cv is not marvellously excellent compared to the many geniuses out there.

anyway, here is what it says,

Your view on yourself:
You are down-to-earth and people like you because you are so straightforward. You are an efficient problem solver because you will listen to both sides of an argument before making a decision that usually appeals to both parties.

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:
You like serious, smart and determined people. You don't judge a book by its cover, so good-looking people aren't necessarily your style. This makes you an attractive person in many people's eyes.
Serious, smart and determined people do make attractive lover, that's if you could also tolerate situations where you would be sacrificed for his work's sake. otherwise yah, they are charming people!

Your readiness to commit to a relationship:
You prefer to get to know a person very well before deciding whether you will commit to the relationship.
mmm, who wouldn't?

The seriousness of your love:
You like to flirt and behave seductively. The opposite sex finds this very attractive, and that's why you'll always have admirers hanging off your arms. But how serious are you about choosing someone to be in a relationship with?
don't think so.

Your views on education:
Education is very important in life. You want to study hard and learn as much as you can.
hell yah! my new year resolution this year is to become a Nerd! no joke.

The right job for you:
You're a practical person and will choose a secure job with a steady income. Knowing what you like to do is important. Find a regular job doing just that and you'll be set for life.
secure job + steady income = doctor

How do you view success:
You are afraid of failure and scared to have a go at the career you would like to have in case you don't succeed. Don't give up when you haven't yet even started! Be courageous.

What are you most afraid of:
You are afraid of things that you cannot control. Sometimes you show your anger to cover up how you feel.
yes, yes and yes! sometimes, i do have idiopathic and notorious pride.

Who is your true self:
You are full of energy and confidence. You are unpredictable, with moods changing as quickly as an ocean. You might occasionally be calm and still, but never for long.
hahaha, i guess so!


Quote of the day: never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option

Obs and Gynae Day 1

12 hours of Labour Ward on day 1 of obs and gynae block, and i'm all exhausted. nonetheless, i was still very amazed!

labour ward is such a place where the air is so filled with love and care, and all the emotions were so real and sincere. all you see are worried dads holding lovely mums' hands, kissing their foreheads, comforting them in every single way, pulling through pains and agony hand in hand...

anxiously anticipating their newborn's arrival, thinking after 9 months, finally we get to see u!

then, soon, come the cries of the baby,

right immediately, almost no second in between, all the tears and worries are turned into smile and hopes. such a miracle.

i swear just one second before, they were looking so anxious and unsettled. the next moment when they have the babies sleeping soundly in their arm, the expression on their faces were nothing else but the gratefulness in daddy's eyes, words of 'thank you' for mummy for such a well done job, and the satisfaction in mummy's smile, quietly and happily staring at the new love of their lives. i guess it's something i could never understand exactly how it feels like. only the people who'd been to that stage could tell how it really is like, words just couldn't describe.

so, Hello all the new babies in today's ward! Welcome to our world and happy birthday! I got to see how you all arrive in this world. and don't forget, to say thank you to mummy and daddy when u all are older. Pregnant mum really got a lot a lot to go through to make a baby come out healthy and cheerful.

i can't believe i broke into tears twice in the ward, when watching these babies' delivery!

愉快星期六

“唉”........

容我长长的叹一声气，如果你真以为我是心灰意冷看破红尘了，那你就错了。这一声长气，也只不过是把一个星期下来漫漫的郁闷都给叹掉，让腾出来的新肺容量来装进清新的空气，好让我能再度生龙活虎起来。

一个星期过了，是怎么过的，也就没什么印象的了，总之就是关在一个像是鱼缸的空间里，每隔一个小时就会换个人进来，在我们面前耍耍宝，然后出去，接着再换，从清晨一直到傍晚。偶尔把我们放出去吃吃饭，接着又得再回去关。

不说那些了，没什么好提。

这个悠闲周末，倒是很久以来都没有的自在。不用出去给学生上课，不用做饭，不用打扫屋子，轻轻松松的坐在房间里，翘起脚，桌上放了杯清水，桌下开了暖炉，舒舒服服的读着我爱的三毛，和她一起世界各地玩一遍，真有意思！

日子不就应该是如此吗。

最近不晓得为什么，我都有好似忙不完的事。做完了这个，就得忙那个，忙完了那个，还有另一个要开始准备。忙倒是忙，心倒还没茫，还没把自己弄丢了，日子还是挺快乐的。

这人生中的忙碌，看来是逃不掉的了。现在是个开端，我想不会那么快结束的了，将来要真开始上班了，那忙起来才真是身不由己。大人总爱说，一生忙忙碌碌，看情况我变成他们那样的日子也不会太远了！话又说回来，身体固然忙碌，心中却是怎样的一番天地，那就得考功夫了。

在这个年头，我就来做个快乐的大忙人。

new term blue

New rotation started 2 days ago. 2 weeks holiday were gone too. No, it wasn't spent on any fabulous holiday plan, nor was it about having a good rest. SSC deadline was extended into the holiday and when the report and the holiday lab work were finally over, it was almost time to start uni again. This is a new rotation i'm fear of. So much worries that i might not cope.

sis is coming in 3 weeks time, which also mean assignment due in late march or early april have to be done as soon as possible so that when she comes, i have the time to spend with her as well as to bring her around. March is gonna be busy. He's too busy preparing for his Germany project, whilst I'm busy with the new rotation and chasing the deadlines. Somehow i got a feeling, we aren't gonna communicate or spend quality time with each other alot in the near future.

I really miss those days of our midnight chats over msn, early morning walk for the sunrise, late night strolls, squash dates, etc etc. You know what, you're a great person, you do have alot in you that i can't help but to fall in love with. But somehow, there's always one thing you seems to not have, time.

Yeay! exam over!

and the next thing i did was intoxicated myself with one whole day of tvb series The Gem of Life from 3pm to 3am. hiak hiak. That might not the best way to spend the day post-exam and pre-ssc writing, but it was really really stress-free. =)

i simply cannot believe there's another exam down and soon one more rotation to go and we'll be done with 4th year! ok, now i just can't wait to start the next rotation! strange feeling, hmm.

anyway, time for a real battle now. the fearful SSC report writing. all the lab works are coming to an end. and the horrid part was that, just last week i for the first time asked my tutor what was the AIM of my whole project. That scared her quite a bit, she couldn't believe i simply not know what i was doing all along. but who ask her project to be so complicated! so the job now is not only to understand the whole complicated project, but also to be able to re-produce everything and put them into proper words and paper. crazy!

that's the next coming week all about. wish me luck people!

CNY is here... and exam isn't too far away

this card came in post today. i was soo happy! what else can feel closer than a card from home. Thanks YingJie! just wait for me to go back for CNY next time. hopefully soon!

Dinner is just over and here i am sitting in front of the laptop and book, very very reluctant to look at the words in the book, it's always this feeling after dinner. 'c'mon, just give yourself a bit more time to relax, afterall u're gonna work hard for the next few hours!' and yeah, then before i even realise, the supposingly 15 mins break will always turn out to be at least 1 hour or more. as i'm blogging away, my angel is fighting with devil trying to pull me back to revision. ha ha, but too bad, i hereby announce angel loses and devil has the say.... for another 20 mins at least.

so it has been the 2nd day of the CNY, only the 2nd day. and i have to go back to book already. hmm. boring. for exams is only 1 and a half day away, and the scary bit is that, i have a whole load of throats problems yet to read. This is the Senses rotation covering the specialities of Opthalmology, Dermatology and ENT. I guess after this exams, we're all gonna be people with great Sense... sorry if my lameness is boring you

Chinese always believe it's better not to touch any book during the CNY, simply because of the similiar pronunciation between book (Shu) and lose (also Shu) in mandarin. and since i'm touching so many books this cny, i shall sincerely hope that lady luck will still kindly smile on me and shower me with the greatest luck in this exam!

I better blog something about the CNY. We did nothing much here except a reunion dinner with the coursemates and a yeesang dinner in bf's place. I figure out the best way to keep the CNY mood going in this foreign land is to, stay at home! for you can create a virtual cny atmosphere yourself, by playing loud CNY songs in the house, decorating dinner table with loads of mandarin oranges and make sure the house is clean and shiny with lots of tibits in the common area. But once you step out of the flat, everything seems just like another normal day for everyone. Not many actually know it's cny season. blah!

you can actually tell how much i'm missing home already. Everyone in the family has gone down to JB to celeberate the new year in grandma's place. Cousins, uncles and aunties are all there, happily chitchating, gambling, eating and enjoying! the reason why i said that was because all my calls this morning were completely ignored. their place got to be so noisy that they don't even hear the handphone ringing and they are simply too occupied. i'm jealous!

forget it.

so, these were what we had for the reunion dinner.

Yee Sang as the appetizer,

in progress 1

in progress 2

The busy camwhoring people:

Jovina my new housemate and Vinton.

Host of the night. roundy round bf Michael and happy Vinton.

Tada!

still camwhoring.

Main course: Steamboat

errr, just ignore the facebook tag. i couldn't find this pic in my camera, had to printscreen from fb.

the South Clerk people.

this dinner supposed to happen in our place but, the stupid boiler decided to stop working right on the reunion night, three of us had to bring the whole dinner over to Michael's place and even our showering stuff! what an experience for reunion dinner! >_<

i think the theme for the night was to hold something and take picture. somehow in all pictures, eveyrone has to hold something in hands. =)

and Tong Yuen as dessert.

Happy Niu Year!

p/s: see, my assumption was correct. I started writing 30 mins ago and now i have yet to shower before revision can officially take place. why can't we have more than 24 hours a day?? i better ciao first.

Happy Chinese New Year!!!

Hello everyone,

may you have a PROSPEROUS and OXSPICIOUS year ahead and

for those who are studying for exams, may all of us pass with good results,

and may everyone enjoy one whole year of good health and good life!

Happy Chinese New Year!!!

This is the 4th year of CNY spent overseas and over the phone. How good it would be to have daddy mummy siblings and grandmas around to spend a cny together. They still sounded so warm over the phone as ever.

and the pearl came from grandma who said, 'don't worry, study hard for your exam. next time u come back in june, i shall cook all the food we have today to make sure you can eat your share!' awwww... i want to go home! isn't having an elderly at home such a bless?

For those who are going home soon for cny, i'm very envious and may you all have a wonderful time back home. I sooo want to go home too!

and how can a cny has no cny songs to go along with, there is this astro one titled 庆祝 (Qing Zhu means celebration) which i think by far the best! enjoy.

来庆祝来祝福 所有思念来倾诉

一年又一年 不管多忙碌

家中有等你回家的父母 就是最大的财富

Gong Xi Gong Xi!

The Meaning of Exam and Essays

is when sitting in front of computer after meal doesn't mean you can switch on tvb series without any guilt...

is when the book is laying in front of you, doesn't mean you are reading it and the next thing you realise you're immersed in is either msn or facebook.

is when every minute pass so quickly when you're away from book but times seems like ages dragging on when you start reading even the first paragraph of the textbooks.

is when you don't feel like reading books, doesn't mean your conscience let you do anything else. In the end, you're likely to end up sitting at one place daydreaming or blankly staring at the computer screen.

is when nothing else can cheer you up anymore. For whatever thing you do except study, it feels like something in the background is haunting you and ringing in the head saying, shouldn't you be studying?

is when you so want to get things over like the essay writing, but to get it started is harder than anything else.

is when midnight strikes again, and you're all tired and exhausted, you feel terribly bad going to bed without doing anything productive for the day and yet you're one day closer to exams and essay deadline.

If you listen to the rhythm of the pouring rain...

Hello everybody! revision is boring as usual lar. but if you're too bored from revision like me and been wandering around looking for inspiration or, too sick from the usual songs list in the comp, here's a good one to try for.

LeeHom being the eye candy is again difficult to resist! and for some unknown reasons, this song reminds me very much of Jason Mraz's Wordplay.

anyway, hope this song cheers u up a little too from the revision piles. =)




oh oh, and i might as well include another song of his that i like a lot but im sure its not something that everybody will like. very cheeky lyrics and very odd combo of instruments. hah! but isn't that very the leehom? i shall leave it for you to judge.




he's still as hot as before. **drool...** =)

you make my day :)

updates: fever has come down quite abit, as i'm typing this away, coughing is getting worse that makes me no difference from a TB patient...

quotes of the day coming from the very lovely bf,

'how come i felt like i'd been cooking for the whole day??'

... from someone who hardly cook yet has been trying to make porridge, steam fish, boil barley water and make pulut hitam all in a day time!

'sometimes i do hope that i'm the sick one, at least can sit back and do nothing.'

'see, i try so hard to feed you well, how come you still never get well?'

Sick, Again

So, I'm sick again, after 1 week of good health recovering from the post-ski flu. This time, it's even worse, high fever, extremely sore throat that voice is currently non-existent, sore muscle everywhere and lightheaded. been staying in bed for the whole day today. the only few things i could remember doing was waking up occasionally running to the loo, take panadol and drink water. Fever is terrible.

The day has been terribly unproductive as expected. gutted. especially when there are opthamology, dermatology, and ENT to read at the same time ssc report to produce. This rotation has been claimed the easiest of 4th year by far, but i'm not finding it stress free at all, especially it's right after holiday and my brain is at a near blank state. I want to work, so want to study and do all the stuff i need to, but please my dear body, don't let me down k?

Now things are slightly better, after sleeping for more than 18 hours today. Bf is so heart warming. I remembered mumbling in bed this afternoon saying I felt like drinking barley water to cool the temperature down. and to my very much surprise, I woke up to a big bowl of barley right in front of me. awww... thanks baby! and the part that make me laugh a little despite the high fever was that, apparently he didn't know barley water is not quite the same to red bean soup of which you can actually eat lots of red beans with the soup. The barley water was filled with beans and there wasn't much water to it. ha, that's very typical of the bf. =)

i'm going back to bed again, panadol is working well for now. i can at least stay awake for a little before the high temperature kick in again. this weekend is pretty much wasted again. grrr! very unwanted. seems like for the next 2 weeks, it's gonna be hard core revision to compensate for the loss. till then guys. have a lovely time revising. =)

Electives

2009 is gonna be a very bankrupt year, i figured. Elective in Sept/Oct is going to cost a bomb. For some reasons i'm not particualrly looking forward to it anymore, because of this major compulsory project of the year, I'm cancelling most of my travelling plan this year just to save up enough for it. That's the price to pay for trying to live independently financially from parents. On one hand, it's a bit of struggle yet on the other, it's just going to be another growing up process I guess. So no more Paris, no more Egypt, no more Ireland and no more Turkey. =(

I've submitted an application to the UM medical center and hopefully it's a yes from them. Whereas for the remaining month, I'm still contemplating between India and Australia. India has always been my top choice. But Dad was very reluctant to nod head after the various recent bombing incidents in the northeast india. I'm still going to send in application forms as planned.

Dad suggested Australia as a safety net choice. Hmm, I'd never really fancy going to that world most poisonous island for my elective and plus, the application fees and living expenses are quite high if i were to go to major cities.

St. Vincents Hospital remains the only hope now since it's Melbourne yet cheap and affordable. It's kind of strange that their elective co-ordinator is working on a part time basis and because of that, despite many attempts trying to catch him in the office by calling them up, he was never in the office. A lady mentioned he's coming back next week, so i'm going to try again, hopefully it's never too late to apply yet. If it's a yes from aus, i guess i'm just going to give up india, no point making Dad stressed for me for a month when i'm in India. Atm, I'm just praying that this attachment thing can be finalised as soon as possible and I can quickly settle down with a secure place in mind and start booking flight ticket.

Right, boring thing aside. To make the previous post slightly complete, this is going to be a quick summary of 2008. Physically, i grow rounder but not taller. Emotionally, it was a long and complicated roller-coaster ride, but thankfully things finally ended on a pretty pleasant note. There wasn't much memories from the first half of 2008, but second half was urmm... can i say colorful? Well, kind of good. Details in the next post, hopefully. I think I'm stopping here before it's night time again and I've to come up with a non-productive day.

Happy New Year people !

Hello 2009!

hi everyone and happy new year! So another year has passed. and Hurray! I survived Christmas holidays here, for the first time without actually going home. Luckily, it wasn't that awful afterall; on the other hand, I still missed the boxing day and the opportunities seeing shoppers go crazy in town. Only till next year. But christmas in Tignes was awesome! Somehow the western new year never mean much to me as would the chinese new year, and as much as i remembered, my new year eve was spent in a totally unglam way, coughing my lungs out and blowing my nose all the way from last year to this year. Post-ski flu!

Hmmm... So, this year CNY I'm not going home again, despite this very much looking forward 'cny-coincide hols' in year 4 since year 1. Veyr much because of the money saving scheme, for........

SIS IS COMING IN MARCH TO VISIT!!!

Finally someone from home is coming to pay me a visit!

and to make sure i play a good host, there are a few plans lying in my head already, umm... probably a roadtrip to highlands, could do a visit to london (guess what, the last time I went london was 2 years ago! i'm praying hard i don't have to get my way lost!), and might be eating out in a few dining places in the Burgh that I liked alot, and also i musn't forget to make her do my housechores and do tesco groceries for me. Sis, if you're reading this, you'll know what to expect from here.

Hello Christmas!

'Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus'. I started my morning with this quote as I couldn't agree less. I guess it just can't help when guys always intepret things with the utmost logics and rationality whereas gals tend to go for the sentimental side, thinking about emotions and deriving conclusions based on instincts or feelings. We are indeed different, and there are plenty of things ahead for us to learn. Like you always say, logics can hardly explain two fields in life - love and morales. Perhaps that's the reason why there isn't always a fix answer to disagreements in a relationship.

Right, rants aside, there is always something worth looking forward to, Christmas holiday is coming! it is going to be my first time spending christmas here instead of going back home. Last few years, this time, I would be busily packing luggage, buying christmas presents to bring home, tidying up rooms and clearing up food in fridge before I come back again the next year. Unlike now, sitting comfortably in my messy room, reading through notes, happily shaking legs thinking what's good for dinner. There's a big pile of clothes behind me waiting to be folded into the wardrobe but it's alright, I can still take my own sweet time, as long as it is done before Friday when my two good frens are coming up. It won't be very nice to want them to live in the mess with me. So, times by myself without rushing to catch a plane is indeed carefree.

Christmas holidays is very much what i'm needing at the moment. Life has been pretty mundane and routine since the SSC module started. Trapped in a lab every afternoon, the only memories i had about afternoons for the past 2 months wasn't about the early sunset, wasn't about walking on high street window shopping, wasn't about playing squash in the gym, wasn't about yakking on webcam with mum, nor was it about spending some quality time with myself doing things I like. It was only and only about working on the same protocol in the lab, repeating the exactly same procedures on different blood samples. Going into the lab is always the time of the day when i last see the sun, for the next time I come out, it will be pitch dark already and street lights are up and people are rushing off work catching a bus in the cold dark air. Oh well, a pretty new experience I guess.

There was one point I recalled, when I stood in front of my lab bench and someone asked me what day was it. I couldn't answer at all despite trying very hard. It was indeed hard to differentiate how was yesterday different from today and how many days had past since the last weekend when I was doing the same thing everyday. That was the most depressing moment about SSC. But I am fine now. It has just become part of my daily life although deep down im still glad I didn't choose to become a scientist from the beginning. Human contacts mean so much to me. I'm still liking this quote from Nietzche alot, 'that which does not kill us makes us stronger.' So, the stronger person is now going into lab again for another day.

Merry Xmas eveyrone! =)

p.s: that was me in the full ski attire.

the feel to blog is slowly coming back, despite i'd been abandoning it for quite a while already. hopefully tonight there will be time for another entry! =) life for the past 2 months need some proper recording!