Contemplation

I might looked tough on the surface yet ironically, I'm actually an ostrich person deep down.

Whenever there are serious things, I'm always the kind of person that hides her head under the sand and quietly pray that things will get solved by itself. Not a very good attitude i know.

I always look up to people who can face issues bravely, take things in stride, walk through storm with all the true feelings and steadily claim victory or declare failure at the end. I'm seldom someone like that. I'm too much a coward.

Do no harm, something we were told since young. How do one find their courage when they know what they are going to do will bring harm to others?

Growing up seems never easy, often with no pain, there won't be gain. Right and wrong, good and bad seems like two different things. Something might seems like a bad thing to do, but it could be the right thing to do. I'm kind of confused actually.

On one hand, I hate myself being this ostrich, being someone so selfish and unconsiderate. On the other hand, where do I find the courage?

On a short note

2 weeks holidays has officially ended. tomorrow will be time to get fully geared up again and prepare for another 14 weeks of battle. okay la, not exactly battle, but definitely something to be serious with. i haven't been really serious with studies for quite some times already.

~~~

最近都在听郑中基的一首歌，叫做“别爱我”。很老很老的一首歌，不过我却是在最近才发现的。感觉很像发现新大陆。

老人家说的话原来都挺有道理的，很多东西可能大家都知道也都听得厌了，不过始终没有亲生经历还是很难会去相信。好人在这世上也许会有很多，但是好人却不一定会是对的人。

世上的东西往往很矛盾。比如说，你可能会很想很想吃一样东西，结果你就花了大半心思想把它弄出来，结果花了大批心思，买材料啊，准备啊等等。结果弄好了，却又突然不想吃了。原来追求的不是那份结果，而是其中的过程。

最近迷上了三毛的作品，在这里还能看到中文书，实在是难得难得。可能有些人会觉得三毛是个男人，其实不是。她是个台湾人，后来嫁给了个西班牙人，选择到了撒哈拉沙漠去生活。她的书大部分都是以沙漠中的生活为背景，写成的一部部游历。虽然整个两个星期的假期我什么地方都没去，不过精神上，却是到了沙漠里走了一回。原来我还是喜欢看书，我还以为我大了就再也不喜欢书本里面的世界了。大概是因为天天都得看课本，看多了自然也反感了。书中自有黄金屋是对的。

成绩出了，考得不好。不是想象中的。其实也不能怪得了谁，就是一个懒字和没有尽心尽力。不过还好，因为整个过程我是很享受的。

假期的最后，病了。大概是太多东西最近在脑里面钻造成的。不说了，该睡了。明天还要早起。

原来说对不起不难，真正的对不起是不能用语言来表达的。

Am I actually depressed?

speechless...

tired...

worthless...



I shouldn't be feeling this way during a holiday isn't it

Back to Basics

Exam's officially over and it's 1/3 through 4th year already. so fast.

3 weeks of GP in Borders, 3 weeks of Western Neuro and 6 weeks Psych...

and it's all over now, on one hand im glad, on the other, i wish these times could be longer.

Holidays has now officially begun. and it's a 2 weeks break.

after much contemplation, for the sake of money saving and the ski trip in Dec, I will just stay in the Burgh.

Plan for now would be to spend some time with myself, do things that i'd always wanted to but couldn't find a time, flip through my national geographics, wake up at my own time, and spending some times with family which I havent been speaking to properly over the past few weeks, and that two babies look so big already over the webcam! i felt i'd hardly spend time with them when they're at this growing age. missing them...

during these three months ever since the summer, my mood had been fairly pleasant and less depressed like previous, which is a good thing. not entirely sure if it is bcoz of the sun endorphenic effect or the days are actually spent in a better way.

Sometimes i wonder if i have problems in social interaction, when one should be feeling happy for exams are over, im actually a bit down in mood today with reasons remain unknown. perhaps its bcoz of the sudden lost in direction. it could have also come from the subconscious mind when you know you're slowly losing something. the worst part about it, is when you're not even sure if you should own it in the first place. for things like this, , I guess even though the lost could be sensed, it's just not easy to voice it out, for it wasn't even properly acknowledged at the first place.

i should be contented. and not bothering too much about things i shouldn't be. afterall its just back to the basics.

p/s: Mary Poppins tonight was good. I wish i have a magician nanny like her with me now.