Ahead, the uncertainties

One month is up, time to pack up and leave again.

Time pass too quick, especially when moods go up and down dramatically like a roller coaster. With the packing and leaving, it makes me feel like a tornado. Swept and destroyed when I came home and now, leaving behind many things in mess before the departure. Life. Makes me hate myself sometimes.

Gotta admit it's the emo-ing right now. Looking back at what happened a week ago in the previous post, things had calmed down a lot since. No, I didn't stay silence throughout. It wasn't easy, even for the first two days. Each times I stole a glimpse at my parents' faces, they looked old and aged. Can't bring myself to hate them, especially they're whom I care so much for and have been taking good care of me for the past 23 years. Conscience blamed me badly.

Life goes on. Scars will heal. Only that it takes time. Thanks for all the concerns. Yah, I feel better now. Actually my parents are still not informed of him yet officially. I didn't tell them anything to bring on the earthquake last week. They were merely speculating and made an early warning. Yup, so it makes things even harder to be brought onto the surface now. But anyway, am not telling yet. At least not when things are so complicated and anger-provoking like now. Perhaps the next holidays - the coming winter or the next summer, see how la.

Leaving is boring. Bah. Can't seems to get enough of everything,

the food,

the companies,

the baby gals,

the homely feel,

and the you. People always say, no separation means no reunion. Nothing is permanent or constant, Buddha said too. Ignore me, I'm just comforting myself and bringing my mind back to the reality and stop living in denial. It's leaving again tomorrow!

Even Roundy and Skinny said they want to kick me into the ocean and let me swim back to Edinburgh by myself after I told them I'm leaving tomorrow. They were somehow frustrated with me and both came up with that solution. hmmm. How can I not miss you my little gals, I'm gonna miss u all... so much so much!

Sun is up dy.... mmmm, manage to stay awake for the night and hopefully can get to sleep soundly on the plane later tonight so I could save the times for adjusting the jetlag problem. For right after I arrive in the burgh on Monday morning, the evening itself will be packing time again to leave for the Borders General Hospital. Gonna camp there for 3 weeks without internet connection but only poor phone reception. Ok, this is new - technology abstinence. Meanwhile I'm worry of living all alone suddenly which is gonna be a big change from the homely home here at the same time excited to find out whats offered there. =) hopefully the GP attachment is good~!

take care everyone, MIA for a week before the weekend comes, and I can return to the Burgh again from the Borders. wish me luck !~ 4th year is starting! =)

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Now playing: Josh Groban - Vincent Stary Stary Night
via FoxyTunes

When the most fearsome thing comes real

I don’t know what to do… why? Sometimes I wish I’m not born into this family. If given there are so many burdens to carry in exchange for good education, good background, good life, I’d rather I’m someone simple, but having a happy family of which can be supportive of whatever I do and able to share whatever I think. Nobody wants to be rebellious. Who doesn’t want to live happily with parents, having them to be able to talk to and joke with like friends? Because I respect u, my parents. I don’t want to challenge your thinking and behavior of which you’d probably carry with you all your life. I believe there are gaps. Gaps that unfortunately in our typical oriental family, they can’t be talked openly, especially relationship problem. So, you can have your thinking, and I have mine. But we respect each other’s. Those values I carry, those perspectives I have, they might not always be correct, but from my side, I tried, always, I tried to minimize the chances that they might bring shame to you, to our family, to your reputation. You’d probably have no idea of how hard I tried.

A simple sentence as that, “if you continue to be with him, if you choose to marry him, the day you both actually tie the knot will be the day I severe all my ties with you – my daughter”. In simple terms, to disown me. So many things I wish I could clarify so many words I wish I could argue. But they were all held back and sealed tight in my lip. Whenever I think of that line, your harsh cold word make my heart turns icy cold. I don’t know what to do, or what is even do-able. I can only cry. You know what? Those words hurt, very. I can understand everyone has their own view point and use their own rulers to measure the ‘worldly’ right or wrong. But you can’t use your brain to think for others or even make conclusions for them. You can only use your brain to think your own thinking. You can never use your brain to think other’s thinking. From your stand, you do nothing wrong, maybe you thought that guy isn’t suitable for your daughter, if so you certainly have all the rights to deny someone to go along with your daughter. It’s ok. From his viewpoint, he did nothing wrong to be judged this way. He can’t choose his background, his environment and his family. Like how I can’t choose mine. All he can do is to live life as he is, happy and carefree, not offending anyone nor harming anybody. For that, I can assure you he’s a kind soul and a filial son.

Parents raise their kids the way they want them to be, in terms of morale, virtues, personality, and thinking. And most of the times, it isn’t purely a matter of right or wrong, of course la, like which parents will teach their kids the wrong thing, but it’s also a matter of preference. Like how some parents prefer their kids to be an ordinary person living a simple life; on the other hand, there are parents who groom their children in such a way that in future they could help them handle their companies. Things like this. In your eyes, he just isn’t the type you wish your kids will grow up to become. Not because he is wrong or morally strayed. He just isn’t the kind you will prefer.

And now, because of your words, I’m still crying. Really, not because I so want to be with him that I feel too upset having us being separated by my own parents. That’s a later thought, not now. The thing I care the most is, how can you say words like these, you know how hurtful these words are when it come from someone I respect so much all along and misses so badly when I was away from home; and the reasons for such harsh words to be said didn’t even come close to something so wrongly done. I believe choosing to be with someone we feel comfortable and happy with isn’t a crime. It doesn’t need to be punished this way. Come to say about that, shouldn’t you understand him properly first? Your words came as a shock, to both of us. We have no idea who makes you all think he’s so bad, so bad that as if he was a once rapist and gonna abduct your daughter to elope anytime. He was once your student. You’d probably heard of his family background. Yah, not so educated. That’s all. Gangster or not? Loanshark or not? Chop people or not? that one I don’t know lar. So far none to my knowledge la. Even gangster also, so what? Loanshark? If it’s real, that one also people’s preference la, choice of job, not everyone can control. But if kill people, should be in jail already kot. If those of your impressions about him were from someone else, then I wonder who that person could be. But if such people do exist, whoever you are, mind your tongue! Rumors like these you spread during your free times, can bring so much disaster to people’s family, like now.

Back to the basic. To be honest, you’d probably didn't realise, in fact up to this point, I’ve no idea yet who would end up being the lifelong partner. Many things in life need to be proven by time, including people, and I thought it’s too early to make conclusion at this point. No matter you know it or not, studies are still my utmost priority now. How to be a good doctor is my foremost concern. Also, there is still a long long way to go, before I achieve what I want and become who I want to be. Instead of sharing my dreams, understanding my thoughts, you – my family my parents, you all chose to say something so heart aching and to bother so much of all these side issues, which ends up with nothing but a deep scar carved between us. Not worth it. Seriously.

Silence is the best way to solve conflict. If given it was 8 years ago, I would have shouted and argued back bitterly, and that given my freedom I’ve today, I might runaway from home. But no, not something I’ll do. Although they did come across my mind earlier on when I first started crying. From now on till I return to the Burgh, silence is probably the best thing to do, at least to avoid quarrels and arguments. It’s also time to think, if he’s worth all these efforts or can we actually pull through these obstacles if we’re really meant to be together in the end.

Parents always have their points, at least I need to prove it myself whether those points are right or wrong. However, if I really want things tp go on, I’ll do it a sensible way, by finding myself a solid concrete ground that I could stand on and reason things out properly, to convince you he isn’t a bad choice after all.

hahaha

This might be a bit outdated.

but hahaha.

enjoy!

what else is better than these

holidays. gals talk. doll up.

;) ;) ;)

Blogging from 16th floors above the ground

Sometimes I wonder if

I should really quit medicine and go do something else.

Meet the two little sweeties

You know in hk dramas, whenever they want to cerita about the main character's childhood, they'll always show a young kid,

then with the subtitles 5 or 10 years later...

we'll then see the grown up products.

Each time home, seeing how much these two little babies grow, is like any of those fast forward episodes.

Roundy came to me after she'd her teeth brushed.

always insist she wants to be Fa Mulan.

ask her read story book, she go and do stunt with the book.

Skinny wanna be samseng, face so fierce everytime she got out from bed.

then smile without her 3 teeth.

if you ask her why, she would tell you they got knocked down by Roundy's super hard head when they were playing chasing games long long time ago.

ownself eat too much chocolates dun wan to admit.

the very manja Roundy, like a cat.

Nothing beats a good breakfast

Back to those school days when I was little, eating breakfast really isn't a habit. The most I could swallow every morning was none other than liquid foods like oats or 2 semi-solid half-boiled eggs. That's also when I got told by my mum if I take no more than 2 eggs per day, cholesterol won't be something to be worried about, besides it also gives protein to build good brain.

Sunrise in Brussels

This 'eating liquidified breakfast' habit... sounds like dysphagia to me now though... hmm... had not change until college years in KDU, where no one'll made me breakfast of my likings in the morning anymore. Therefore, foods in college canteen like fried mee, keow teoy, nasi lemak had slowly transformed me into eating solid breakfast.


Whereas in uni days, breakfast isn't something that trouble me too much, because either I've no time to eat at all or I'll just wake up in the noon and have lunch straight.



Muffin sitting on my laptop desk

Recently... I'd developed a strange habit of eating breakfast of which I guess has very much to do with the early morning sunrise at 4 or 5am in the Burgh that made me unable to stay in bed as long as I used to. Unlike back home where breakfast is as simple as a car ride away, making breakfast to feed myself and sometimes Matt had since become something new...



Baked potato. Simple, easy, nutritious!

throw into oven, wait for 1 hour, take out, cut and top with tuna mayo - one of the easiest choices during exam days!




hmmm... and once in a while, plate would be sacrificed.

due to my poor physics knowledge, after this plate got took out from the oven together with the potatos, immediately I run it under cold water. see! the next moment, it just broke into several pieces. scary.

the next commonest Teviot breakfast - Fusilli or the 'screw pasta', also Matt's all times favourite. Our flat used to store the biggest fusilli packs that Tesco sells, the 3kgs per pack ones. hmm... abit too ganas.

However, still nothing beats the forever love!



Char Kuey!

hoho, finally get to eat it after such a long while!

but the things that matter most was, it came with a dad's efforts of sayanging her daughter. Because of jetlag, I'd been staying up since 2am this morning. and Dad, has a tuition class to run later in the morning, purposely got up earlier than usual, took his motorbike out and came back with this pack of my favouritous char kuey and told me to go to bed after I ate them

=) =) =)

Gotta say it's always good to be at home ;)