the beginning of the rat race

for once, I can't seems to picture the life beyond med school. yes, i'm rather anxious inside. for the recent weeks, i'm finding the future is holding too many uncertainties to the point that it appears bleak.

since mtas application took off in October, the rat race has officially begun.

not long ago, I was in this little room at the busiest bustling backpacker areas in Saigon working on the five mtas questions. I could still remember the sense of relief when I clicked on the submit button for the application to go through and that was also the decision made for two years down the road.

and before I realised, i was already back in Edinburgh later, being all busy with General Med day in day out. time just zoom pass much much faster when you are really busy and especially in winter too since days are much shorter anyway.

then again, before I realised, mtas score was out. everyone started to discuss about what programme to apply, what job they want and what they want to be in the future.

i feel like a kid standing in front of a candy shop having the amount of money just enough to afford a sweet. and there are too many colourful choices in front of eyes. but I can't decide.

it's not just about making a decision, but for each choice picked, there's always a whole set of matters that follows. I don't like the idea of not knowing how my life would be like in the future and how would things go and even more so, where i would end up in. sometimes, not only i feel i have no control of my own life, i don't feel belonged too.

for all my life, i think i have taken things for granted especially from my parents. there must be so many life choices they have made to be who they are today and to be able to provide me with everything i need. the idea of i'm going to be living on my own salary soon and to be called a working adult on my own feet with responsibilities for taxes and financial commitments can be quite daunting at the same time exciting.

at this point, i don't think i'm being intimidated by the competition which seems inevitable in the rat race. by saying that, i don't mean either i have a great cv to offer. am way far from that.

the thing is, i'm far more afraid of not knowing which competition i want to play in.