Goodbye

Last week this day, late at midnight, my phone rang and it was a call from home. I don't know if it is just me, but I always find it a scary feeling, when you are far away from home, and your home rings you at odd hours. and I always pray very hard before i pick up each call hoping that it is not going to be some bad news i am going to receive.

So, I picked up the call and over the phone, it was sis's voice in a calm tone that spoke, "jie, ah ma passed away already."

immediately, my heart sank. It took me a long deep breath before i dare to query any further.

This is the granny that could easily satisfied as long as she knew we cared for her. Over a packet of Walker's shortbread or a box of chocolate, and she could smiled happily.

This is the granny that used to wake up very early in the morning like 6am, just to accompany her 10 year old granddaughter to wait for the school bus at the front gate, when her dad couldn't fetch her to school due to long distanced post.

This is the granny that would stuff us money, be it 50ringgit or 100ringgit, everytime she knew we were going to trips with friends. and no matter how hard we tried to push the money back to her, saying we were alright, save it for urself, she would still insist until we had no choice but to keep it. That's the way she showed her grandchldren her love, when she couldn't do anything else in her paralysed body.

This is the granny that would smiled and said 'this looked good on you', whenever we pulled on our new bought clothes and went up to her and asked what she think about it. Never once did she said anything negative. and we would then beamed away happily.

This is the granny that would asked me each time i was about to leave home for airport in my luggages that, when she would see me again and when would i be coming home, from the chair in the living room where she spent most of her time in. and for each time, i was able to give her an exact duration, like, 3 months, very quick, i'll be back in 3 months time. or maybe six months. but, not the last summer i left home, i didn't promised her anything despite her same old questions, when i knew i might be spending christmas abroad for the first time. and that was also the last time i saw her.

This is the granny that I would called home and greet every chinese new year and she would answered with her standard words, good good, you are such a good girl. This year, i did the same too. but instead of her normal replies, she could hardly spoke a word, instead, it was some voice that didn't make much sense over the phone, just to say she heard me. That was when the doctor told our family, her heart function was left only with 30% due to chronic heart failure. and deep down, i prayed hard, very hard that, please wait until summer comes, when i can go home again to see you once more.

This is also the granny that passed away in her sleep peacefully last week, and apparently just one night before she left, dad said her pillow was soaked wet in tears and that morning, she woke up fine and didn't complained a word. And after that night, the next morning, dad found her in sleep that she would never wake up again.

It has been a week since she is gone. So when this summer comes, when I go home, there won't be her anymore sitting in the living room waiting for me and my chocolates. also i'm guessing since i'm away from home and don't usually get to see her anyway, her departure doesn't impact me that hard yet, not until i go home and start feeling her real absence.

Although admittedly, the last part of your life journey wasn't very much enjoyable and was filled with medifcations and physical illnesses, I'm praying that ahma, you would now go to a place without sufferings and stay in eternal bliss. It had been more than 10 years you had to suffer from stroke and couldn't move the right side of your body.

and you will stay in our memories always. We miss you ahma.

Miss Independent

today had been a lil bit out of routine, no hectic hospital attachments and no other commitments. and suddenly, being able to sit in my own room looking at the blue sky, putting laundry into wash and having the afternoon sun shine on my face while i am lying on my bed seems like the greatest happiness i could have. see, deprivation always make one learns to be easily satisfied.

I don't usually do personality test, not like i am a scientologist. ;)

but like i said, since everything today is lil bit out of the normal way, i randomly clicked on a personality test in facebook. and hehe, i do like the outcome esp the part about the view on success. it is to a certain extent similiar with the interest i have in one specialty but i am too coward to do anything about it since it is very well known for the competitiveness like 1 in 10 success rate and also given my cv is not marvellously excellent compared to the many geniuses out there.

anyway, here is what it says,

Your view on yourself:
You are down-to-earth and people like you because you are so straightforward. You are an efficient problem solver because you will listen to both sides of an argument before making a decision that usually appeals to both parties.

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:
You like serious, smart and determined people. You don't judge a book by its cover, so good-looking people aren't necessarily your style. This makes you an attractive person in many people's eyes.
Serious, smart and determined people do make attractive lover, that's if you could also tolerate situations where you would be sacrificed for his work's sake. otherwise yah, they are charming people!

Your readiness to commit to a relationship:
You prefer to get to know a person very well before deciding whether you will commit to the relationship.
mmm, who wouldn't?

The seriousness of your love:
You like to flirt and behave seductively. The opposite sex finds this very attractive, and that's why you'll always have admirers hanging off your arms. But how serious are you about choosing someone to be in a relationship with?
don't think so.

Your views on education:
Education is very important in life. You want to study hard and learn as much as you can.
hell yah! my new year resolution this year is to become a Nerd! no joke.

The right job for you:
You're a practical person and will choose a secure job with a steady income. Knowing what you like to do is important. Find a regular job doing just that and you'll be set for life.
secure job + steady income = doctor

How do you view success:
You are afraid of failure and scared to have a go at the career you would like to have in case you don't succeed. Don't give up when you haven't yet even started! Be courageous.

What are you most afraid of:
You are afraid of things that you cannot control. Sometimes you show your anger to cover up how you feel.
yes, yes and yes! sometimes, i do have idiopathic and notorious pride.

Who is your true self:
You are full of energy and confidence. You are unpredictable, with moods changing as quickly as an ocean. You might occasionally be calm and still, but never for long.
hahaha, i guess so!


Quote of the day: never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option

Obs and Gynae Day 1

12 hours of Labour Ward on day 1 of obs and gynae block, and i'm all exhausted. nonetheless, i was still very amazed!

labour ward is such a place where the air is so filled with love and care, and all the emotions were so real and sincere. all you see are worried dads holding lovely mums' hands, kissing their foreheads, comforting them in every single way, pulling through pains and agony hand in hand...

anxiously anticipating their newborn's arrival, thinking after 9 months, finally we get to see u!

then, soon, come the cries of the baby,

right immediately, almost no second in between, all the tears and worries are turned into smile and hopes. such a miracle.

i swear just one second before, they were looking so anxious and unsettled. the next moment when they have the babies sleeping soundly in their arm, the expression on their faces were nothing else but the gratefulness in daddy's eyes, words of 'thank you' for mummy for such a well done job, and the satisfaction in mummy's smile, quietly and happily staring at the new love of their lives. i guess it's something i could never understand exactly how it feels like. only the people who'd been to that stage could tell how it really is like, words just couldn't describe.

so, Hello all the new babies in today's ward! Welcome to our world and happy birthday! I got to see how you all arrive in this world. and don't forget, to say thank you to mummy and daddy when u all are older. Pregnant mum really got a lot a lot to go through to make a baby come out healthy and cheerful.

i can't believe i broke into tears twice in the ward, when watching these babies' delivery!