放一颗心

在医院里，常常会遇见一些老人痴呆症的病人，他们因为生病，记忆会慢慢的一天一天消失。所以，他们常常都会有个习惯，就是把现在所还记得的东西，尽量用笔记下来，以便将来哪天不再记得了，能再翻翻笔记本，把记忆找回来。

而我现在，哈！就和他们很像，很想把很多东西记下来。

和你在一起，最享受的时候，就是坐在你隔壁，什么事也不做，连眼睛也不用动的看着你。看你说话，看你驾车，看你抽烟，看你笑，看你弄我发脾气然后很得意的样子，看你吃东西，看你睡觉，看你，就是看你。

颖婕说每次我和你吵架不开心的时候，我的思考模式就会开始考虑，我们到底是不是不适合，应该要放手吗？而每次我们又都会合好。今天，我又打给了她。她问我，那么多次你都选择了继续，理由是为什么呢？

我想，就是因为，你就是你。有一个这样的你，我不懂要怎么不爱你。

'Let it be' is a wisdom...

Mood is like the craziest thing human has. One moment, you can be so down, but the next moment, you can simply turn things upside down and be on top of the world again. It seems that we almost certainly cannot choose what to happen next, we can however decide what we want to feel about it. So at the end of the day, being happy or feeling miserable is again, up to our own choice.

I remember someone said before, if you have a problem that is solve-able, then go ahead and think about it and sort it out. But if it cannot be solved atm, well... no point worrying or thinking too much about it, afterall if you can't think of a solution now, there probably isn't any solution available too. So.. no point worrying. I guess it's more of, when the right time comes, you will know what is the right thing to do. well.. so i better remind myself again, worrying is probably just a waste of time! StoP worryinG lah!

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Neuro is in its 2nd week now.

some dry jokes for you, i duno if u find them funny, but I certainly do.

in psychiatric ward, we often say, this patient is mental.

but in neuro ward, they often say, this patient is FRONTAL, well... this one, OCCIPITAL... oh that one! she's temporal.

hahahhaa!

im still pretty clueless about how to do a full neuro exam, how to take a history, how to find my tutor who's forever rooting in the theatre yada yada... just to show how lost i'm. nonetheless, me still enjoying every bits of it. funny right? ;)

somehow my ears are better tuned for the scottish accents now. somehow whatever patients say seems to make more sense. and somehow the whole clinical settings with wards and doctors isn't as daunting and depressing as before. good change! i likey!

oh! another random fact, if you happen to watch today's tv programme about sandwiches, I bet you prolly would think twice next time you want to eat a sandwich bought from store.

in this sandwich producing factory, a worker was short of a piece of bread and couldn't find anymore bread to pack up the sandwich, so she turned to her supervisor to ask if they could open a new pack. then, the supervisor just se-lamba went to the bin and digged up a piece of thrown away bread and handed it to the worker and said, "next time shudnt waste like this...."

eeeW!

stephen chow movie meh?

maybe i should turn my morning alarm 10 mins earlier so that I can make myself a sandwich for lunch just before going to wards.

Do you know?

Making a choice is hard.

To leave a choice made earlier, is even harder.

Familiarity brings security, yet depresses courage.

Ironically, with familiarity and security, it does not always equivalent to compatibility and suitability.

Everything seems to have a price to pay, and to go ahead or opt out, simply depends on whether we can bear the consequences.

A year ago despite many 'no'-s and 'u'll regret'-s, a choice was made - to trust myself and go ahead with the intention of not wanting to have regrets in life. haiz...whoever invented this motivation line, i'm not gonna buy that anymore, guess itll be better sometimes to have some regrets left behind. and sometimes, the harder you want to avoid regrets, the more regrets you're going to create.

and now, a year has gone. I'm too ego to admit defeat. honestly the outcome isn't as expected. It's a time you start to doubt yourself, doubt your choice, should I keep going? or should I just wave the white flag and save the future troubles? and face all the 'I told you so...'-s.

It's a scary feeling, when there're too much stakes being put in, to a point you thought you better don't lose and can't afford to lose anymore, yet the hard cold reality fact just comes and hits right into your face.

so shall more stakes be thrown in to secure a better win; or shall all stakes be let go and lost, and start all over again as soon as possible? My dear Buddha, please grant me the wisdom to make the right decision.

... however one thing for sure, i'm beginning to feel tired with this game.

... not a born tight-rope walker

There's a fine, fine line
between a lover, and a friend

There's a fine, fine line
between reality, and pretend;

And you never know 'til you reach the top
if it was worth the uphill climb.

There's a fine, fine line
between love, and a waste of time

And there's a fine, fine line
between "you're wonderful" and "goodbye".

And I don't have the time to waste on you anymore.
I don't think that you even know what you're looking for.

For my own sanity
I've got to close the door
And walk away...Oh...

There's a fine, fine line
between together,and not.

And there's a fine, fine line
between what you wanted,and what you got.

You gotta go after the things you want
while you're still in your prime.

There's a fine, fine line
between love, and a waste of time

..... and walking on a fine, fine line is simply too tiring.

Columbia?

5th year elective application for Columbia Uni in the New York has its deadline coming close very soon. With a form in hand, I'm actually holding back in hesistancy.

Unlike earlier when the form was made available, I was more keen and even got myself a form. Well... that's probably because I haven't been to Borders yet by then... going to a totally stranger place with zero knowledge about it and not knowing anyone from there can be daunting... also, the loneliness that comes in a package. There are people I know who went to the States on their own and live there for months... for people like them, I salute your courage!!

After much thoughts, I still couldn't make up my mind and the more I analyse it, the more it seems there're equal good and bad. see....

The pros:

- it's somewhere I have never been.
- advanced stuffs over there, gonna be a totally different medical experience
- get to tour in the States too. smth i've always wanted to do!

The cons:

- money! have to pay 150 USD application process fees which doesn't guarantee a place. n most people don't get a place in the end...
- scary. living alone? go somewhere so new totally alone? can i cope?
- have to apply so early! elective is only next year Sept. there're probably other nicer places to go which I haven't find out yet.


How??

At the end of the day, it's still the same question,

New York for 5th year electives attachment? Go? Not go?

I'm such an indecisive person.... i know.

Return from MIA

HELLO!!

... am back! finally can online from home! yah, my new home on the south clerk facing blockbuster videos and the busy street.

it's a nice feeling to online from home. at least dun have to walk all the way to greenfield suite which is 15 mins away just to check an email or to do portfolios. good stuff!

by the way, GP attachment in the Borders had officially ended.... quite sad to leave that place, afterall it was very very enjoyable and nice 3 weeks and a good way to kick off 4th year! can't believe i'm in 4th yr now and still 2 more yrs to go, whilst others of the same age have already graduated or going to grad in no time. anyway, CONGRATS to those newly-grad and gonna join the 9-5 workforce club very soon!

so long never blog already, duno what to say anymore. anyway, internet abstinence was quite good in fact. at least it has been very displicine-ish living everyday. wake up no later than 9, go to bed not later than 12, eat 3 meals a day, don't stuck in the chair for hours and hours, no longer crouch in the sofa to watch never ending series... which makes me feel good with myself! healthy and able to function properly in the day.

somehow 4th yr seems more enjoyable than 3rd yr... am glad i managed to pull through 3rd yr, although it wasn't that great, rather depressing in fact. well, hopefully this year will be a good one. last 2 years was quite an experience, it used to be lotsa of people in the flat (or the flat above) with cookings going on everyday. now, it's more of getting used to live independently and sort things out by myself, even the internet, the phone line and sometimes foods. although it was quite common to hear people saying living overseas will be mostly dealing with loneliness and independence... they weren't felt that strongly somehow for the past 2 years, but now, they are :)

it's a change. a different experience.

so far things are going on well and good. the feeling of going through eveyrday knowing things will be better and are going on the right track is a good feeling.

ohh..! just a random fact, today a neuro guy told us, birds sleep differently from human which make them able to stay awake 24/7. when they go to sleep, they switch one side of their brain off and leave the other side of the brain awake to carry on with acitivities, like maybe fly across the ocean... then when that side feels it has rest enough, it wakes up and let the other side goes to sleep. amazing!~!

loving Borders + gp + new flat

Earlier on before term begins, there were lots of uncertainties and little bits here & there that kept me worrying...

and now, one week has past, surprisingly everything is actually alright, better than I thought.

Borders isn't as bad, although there're definitely more sheeps and cows I've met than human. it felt like isle of skye to a certain extent, but of course minus the strong wind bit. the 2 hours bus rides down reminds me very much of the movie 'stardust' - the low stone fences, widespread greenness, mild hills with oak trees spreading far out... luckily i'm there in the summer time, if not come to think about living in one whole house with 4 empty rooms by myself without the sun actually set at 11pm is gonna be so scary. my neighbour's kids are my only friends now, the two little girls one named Daisy another one... errm... forgot dy. she's too little to talk la. it's so sweet to come home every evening and see two kids playing around in the garden cycling their mini bike and laughing. now it feels like a real home.

GP practice is in this mini town called Selkirk, which is 20 minutes bus ride away from the borders general hospital accom... and there's only one bus going into Selkirk every hour. so if i miss one, will definitely be running late for the clinics. also without anyone there to wake me up on time, Gee! i'm becoming so disciplined these days ;).


on the 8am bus, i'm always the only passenger and even the bus uncle can recognise me now every morning.

at the back of the gp practice. even at normal lunch time, the street is all quiet without many moving vehicles. yalar what to do, a town with only 5500 inhabitants. I suspect almost everyone in town knows each other.

the road I walk down every evening at 4.30 to take bus back to the Borders GH.

old people here are extremely friendly and this town is really not that busy. only one street has shops and outside the town square, there're only houses seperated by widespread farms.

like this.


moi room in BGH.

everyone in the gp is so far very nice and kind. duno how long my liking for gp can last lah, but things are by far looking good. maybe for medicine, or perhaps also other occupations too, before we can really enjoy it, we just need to learn the rules by hard. in this case, study hard n do portfolios!~

that's all for now, time to leave for borders! adios till next weekend ;)

updates: Matt is coming to Borders this week!! so, no more one person dinner! =)

Lazy to unpack, so blog

Wokay! back to the Burgh yesterday and not to forget the hectic house shifting and travels Monday! First it was delayed arrivals in Heathrow and then the tortoisely slow custom people that almost caused the miss of Edinburgh flight. then, it was the DELAYED luggage! bah! They just have to delay it when there're so many important stuffs inside. and although BA promised to get it delivered yesterday, they didn't come. so... the consequence: Borders delayed by a day too! haha... that must be a good news! Phoned the clinic manager this morning and told him I can't travel to Borders without my belongings in the delayed luggage and the answer I got was, HAHA, see you tomorrow then! hmm. okayyy.

anyway, so today's schedule: sit in, enjoying the duno who's internet, waiting for luggage to come, packing for Borders, unpacking & organise room. the new room!! =) hehe. it's spacious, big and sunny! loveee it. But the thing is, hafta disassemble an extra bed first. will show the final products when everything is well set. dun wan to go Borders lar, I want to stay in my new room. Bluek.

although just came back yesterday, this morning, automatically already I start looking for winter flight back. actually.... should stay wan lor, never stay here for winter before, always go back, somemore can save money. BUT, home is more tempting! aikz, really expensive lar. haha, I better stop the monologue. see how la. so far the prices are already crazily high with the cheapest being 750 pds and have to transit in Dubai for 24 hours!! hopefully the secret good news come in, then no need to go back also never mind dy. =P

4th year's starting! so fast! hw come I still feel like a fresher?! time to put myself back again to face the upcomings, this year shouldn't skip class or be lazy again. promise. as last year osce/osca was a bad experience, this year have to be real hard work and no more last minute efforts again. =) I hope I can be a good doctor next time. at least won't kill anyone or make things worse. motivation!!

Ahead, the uncertainties

One month is up, time to pack up and leave again.

Time pass too quick, especially when moods go up and down dramatically like a roller coaster. With the packing and leaving, it makes me feel like a tornado. Swept and destroyed when I came home and now, leaving behind many things in mess before the departure. Life. Makes me hate myself sometimes.

Gotta admit it's the emo-ing right now. Looking back at what happened a week ago in the previous post, things had calmed down a lot since. No, I didn't stay silence throughout. It wasn't easy, even for the first two days. Each times I stole a glimpse at my parents' faces, they looked old and aged. Can't bring myself to hate them, especially they're whom I care so much for and have been taking good care of me for the past 23 years. Conscience blamed me badly.

Life goes on. Scars will heal. Only that it takes time. Thanks for all the concerns. Yah, I feel better now. Actually my parents are still not informed of him yet officially. I didn't tell them anything to bring on the earthquake last week. They were merely speculating and made an early warning. Yup, so it makes things even harder to be brought onto the surface now. But anyway, am not telling yet. At least not when things are so complicated and anger-provoking like now. Perhaps the next holidays - the coming winter or the next summer, see how la.

Leaving is boring. Bah. Can't seems to get enough of everything,

the food,

the companies,

the baby gals,

the homely feel,

and the you. People always say, no separation means no reunion. Nothing is permanent or constant, Buddha said too. Ignore me, I'm just comforting myself and bringing my mind back to the reality and stop living in denial. It's leaving again tomorrow!

Even Roundy and Skinny said they want to kick me into the ocean and let me swim back to Edinburgh by myself after I told them I'm leaving tomorrow. They were somehow frustrated with me and both came up with that solution. hmmm. How can I not miss you my little gals, I'm gonna miss u all... so much so much!

Sun is up dy.... mmmm, manage to stay awake for the night and hopefully can get to sleep soundly on the plane later tonight so I could save the times for adjusting the jetlag problem. For right after I arrive in the burgh on Monday morning, the evening itself will be packing time again to leave for the Borders General Hospital. Gonna camp there for 3 weeks without internet connection but only poor phone reception. Ok, this is new - technology abstinence. Meanwhile I'm worry of living all alone suddenly which is gonna be a big change from the homely home here at the same time excited to find out whats offered there. =) hopefully the GP attachment is good~!

take care everyone, MIA for a week before the weekend comes, and I can return to the Burgh again from the Borders. wish me luck !~ 4th year is starting! =)

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Now playing: Josh Groban - Vincent Stary Stary Night
via FoxyTunes

When the most fearsome thing comes real

I don’t know what to do… why? Sometimes I wish I’m not born into this family. If given there are so many burdens to carry in exchange for good education, good background, good life, I’d rather I’m someone simple, but having a happy family of which can be supportive of whatever I do and able to share whatever I think. Nobody wants to be rebellious. Who doesn’t want to live happily with parents, having them to be able to talk to and joke with like friends? Because I respect u, my parents. I don’t want to challenge your thinking and behavior of which you’d probably carry with you all your life. I believe there are gaps. Gaps that unfortunately in our typical oriental family, they can’t be talked openly, especially relationship problem. So, you can have your thinking, and I have mine. But we respect each other’s. Those values I carry, those perspectives I have, they might not always be correct, but from my side, I tried, always, I tried to minimize the chances that they might bring shame to you, to our family, to your reputation. You’d probably have no idea of how hard I tried.

A simple sentence as that, “if you continue to be with him, if you choose to marry him, the day you both actually tie the knot will be the day I severe all my ties with you – my daughter”. In simple terms, to disown me. So many things I wish I could clarify so many words I wish I could argue. But they were all held back and sealed tight in my lip. Whenever I think of that line, your harsh cold word make my heart turns icy cold. I don’t know what to do, or what is even do-able. I can only cry. You know what? Those words hurt, very. I can understand everyone has their own view point and use their own rulers to measure the ‘worldly’ right or wrong. But you can’t use your brain to think for others or even make conclusions for them. You can only use your brain to think your own thinking. You can never use your brain to think other’s thinking. From your stand, you do nothing wrong, maybe you thought that guy isn’t suitable for your daughter, if so you certainly have all the rights to deny someone to go along with your daughter. It’s ok. From his viewpoint, he did nothing wrong to be judged this way. He can’t choose his background, his environment and his family. Like how I can’t choose mine. All he can do is to live life as he is, happy and carefree, not offending anyone nor harming anybody. For that, I can assure you he’s a kind soul and a filial son.

Parents raise their kids the way they want them to be, in terms of morale, virtues, personality, and thinking. And most of the times, it isn’t purely a matter of right or wrong, of course la, like which parents will teach their kids the wrong thing, but it’s also a matter of preference. Like how some parents prefer their kids to be an ordinary person living a simple life; on the other hand, there are parents who groom their children in such a way that in future they could help them handle their companies. Things like this. In your eyes, he just isn’t the type you wish your kids will grow up to become. Not because he is wrong or morally strayed. He just isn’t the kind you will prefer.

And now, because of your words, I’m still crying. Really, not because I so want to be with him that I feel too upset having us being separated by my own parents. That’s a later thought, not now. The thing I care the most is, how can you say words like these, you know how hurtful these words are when it come from someone I respect so much all along and misses so badly when I was away from home; and the reasons for such harsh words to be said didn’t even come close to something so wrongly done. I believe choosing to be with someone we feel comfortable and happy with isn’t a crime. It doesn’t need to be punished this way. Come to say about that, shouldn’t you understand him properly first? Your words came as a shock, to both of us. We have no idea who makes you all think he’s so bad, so bad that as if he was a once rapist and gonna abduct your daughter to elope anytime. He was once your student. You’d probably heard of his family background. Yah, not so educated. That’s all. Gangster or not? Loanshark or not? Chop people or not? that one I don’t know lar. So far none to my knowledge la. Even gangster also, so what? Loanshark? If it’s real, that one also people’s preference la, choice of job, not everyone can control. But if kill people, should be in jail already kot. If those of your impressions about him were from someone else, then I wonder who that person could be. But if such people do exist, whoever you are, mind your tongue! Rumors like these you spread during your free times, can bring so much disaster to people’s family, like now.

Back to the basic. To be honest, you’d probably didn't realise, in fact up to this point, I’ve no idea yet who would end up being the lifelong partner. Many things in life need to be proven by time, including people, and I thought it’s too early to make conclusion at this point. No matter you know it or not, studies are still my utmost priority now. How to be a good doctor is my foremost concern. Also, there is still a long long way to go, before I achieve what I want and become who I want to be. Instead of sharing my dreams, understanding my thoughts, you – my family my parents, you all chose to say something so heart aching and to bother so much of all these side issues, which ends up with nothing but a deep scar carved between us. Not worth it. Seriously.

Silence is the best way to solve conflict. If given it was 8 years ago, I would have shouted and argued back bitterly, and that given my freedom I’ve today, I might runaway from home. But no, not something I’ll do. Although they did come across my mind earlier on when I first started crying. From now on till I return to the Burgh, silence is probably the best thing to do, at least to avoid quarrels and arguments. It’s also time to think, if he’s worth all these efforts or can we actually pull through these obstacles if we’re really meant to be together in the end.

Parents always have their points, at least I need to prove it myself whether those points are right or wrong. However, if I really want things tp go on, I’ll do it a sensible way, by finding myself a solid concrete ground that I could stand on and reason things out properly, to convince you he isn’t a bad choice after all.

hahaha

This might be a bit outdated.

but hahaha.

enjoy!

what else is better than these

holidays. gals talk. doll up.

;) ;) ;)

Blogging from 16th floors above the ground

Sometimes I wonder if

I should really quit medicine and go do something else.

Meet the two little sweeties

You know in hk dramas, whenever they want to cerita about the main character's childhood, they'll always show a young kid,

then with the subtitles 5 or 10 years later...

we'll then see the grown up products.

Each time home, seeing how much these two little babies grow, is like any of those fast forward episodes.

Roundy came to me after she'd her teeth brushed.

always insist she wants to be Fa Mulan.

ask her read story book, she go and do stunt with the book.

Skinny wanna be samseng, face so fierce everytime she got out from bed.

then smile without her 3 teeth.

if you ask her why, she would tell you they got knocked down by Roundy's super hard head when they were playing chasing games long long time ago.

ownself eat too much chocolates dun wan to admit.

the very manja Roundy, like a cat.

Nothing beats a good breakfast

Back to those school days when I was little, eating breakfast really isn't a habit. The most I could swallow every morning was none other than liquid foods like oats or 2 semi-solid half-boiled eggs. That's also when I got told by my mum if I take no more than 2 eggs per day, cholesterol won't be something to be worried about, besides it also gives protein to build good brain.

Sunrise in Brussels

This 'eating liquidified breakfast' habit... sounds like dysphagia to me now though... hmm... had not change until college years in KDU, where no one'll made me breakfast of my likings in the morning anymore. Therefore, foods in college canteen like fried mee, keow teoy, nasi lemak had slowly transformed me into eating solid breakfast.


Whereas in uni days, breakfast isn't something that trouble me too much, because either I've no time to eat at all or I'll just wake up in the noon and have lunch straight.



Muffin sitting on my laptop desk

Recently... I'd developed a strange habit of eating breakfast of which I guess has very much to do with the early morning sunrise at 4 or 5am in the Burgh that made me unable to stay in bed as long as I used to. Unlike back home where breakfast is as simple as a car ride away, making breakfast to feed myself and sometimes Matt had since become something new...



Baked potato. Simple, easy, nutritious!

throw into oven, wait for 1 hour, take out, cut and top with tuna mayo - one of the easiest choices during exam days!




hmmm... and once in a while, plate would be sacrificed.

due to my poor physics knowledge, after this plate got took out from the oven together with the potatos, immediately I run it under cold water. see! the next moment, it just broke into several pieces. scary.

the next commonest Teviot breakfast - Fusilli or the 'screw pasta', also Matt's all times favourite. Our flat used to store the biggest fusilli packs that Tesco sells, the 3kgs per pack ones. hmm... abit too ganas.

However, still nothing beats the forever love!



Char Kuey!

hoho, finally get to eat it after such a long while!

but the things that matter most was, it came with a dad's efforts of sayanging her daughter. Because of jetlag, I'd been staying up since 2am this morning. and Dad, has a tuition class to run later in the morning, purposely got up earlier than usual, took his motorbike out and came back with this pack of my favouritous char kuey and told me to go to bed after I ate them

=) =) =)

Gotta say it's always good to be at home ;)